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A man was sleeping with a married woman. When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came around. Just as they got down to business, the doorbell rang. The woman went downstairs and peered out of the curtains to see who it was. "Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something." The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally naked, so he hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up and joined them. After a while, he started talking to one of them. "So how long have you been a nudist?" a man asked him. "Not long," he replied. "What about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing. "Oh, it was raining when I came out," the man replied.
A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) -- she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say, she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for. The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that was previously the least popular -- the raisin bread -- was quickly becoming the most popular with gentlemen. Conveniently enough, the raisin bread was kept on the highest shelf of all. One day, an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?" "No," he replied, "but it's beginning to twitch just a little."
As a devout Catholic, Maria doesn’t use condoms with her husband. So over the years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually, Maria’s time also came. At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together." A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?" Says the priest: "I mean her legs!"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
Taking off the clothes: -With her permission: 12 cal -Without her permission: 166 cal Taking the bra off: -With both hands: 8 cal -With one hand: 11 cal -With one hand being slapped: 53 cal -With the mouth: 91 cal Putting on the condom: -With erection: 6 cal -Without erection: 335 cal Preliminaries: -Trying to find the clitoris: 14 cal -Trying to find the G spot: 107 cal -Without giving a damn: 0 cal Positions: -Missionary: 13 cal -Doggie-Style: 19 cal -69 lying down: 20 cal -69 sanding up: 137 cal -Hostess trolley: 223 cal -Italian Chandelier: 934 cal Having an orgasm: -Real: 115 cal -Fake: 404 cal Post orgasm: -Staying in bed: 5 cal -Jumping off the bed: 30 cal -Explaining why you jumped off the bed: 894 cal Getting the second errection: -Between 16 and 19 years of age: 14 cal -From 20 to 29: 36 cal -From 30 to 39: 97 cal -From 40 to 49: 376 cal -From 50 to 59: 919 cal -Over 60: 3623 cal Putting on the clother: -Quitely: 4 cal -Hurriedly: 99 cal -With her husband opening the door: 5190 cal
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.
A plane crashed into the sea and there were 3 men who swam to an island. They decided to explore the island for food and discovered a tribe of savages who lived there. They were brought back to the village and the Chief met them. They were told that they had two options. Be strung to the trees and be fucked in the ass by all the members of the tribe, or Cowabunga. None of the three decided to go with the unknown, so they endured the pain of being fucked in the ass by all the tribe members before being released. The three men went on their way, but unwittingly, walked a full circle and went back into the village. The Chief gave them the same two options. Not wanting to endure the pain in the ass again, they opted for Cowabunga. The Chief opened his mouth wide open in a smile and shouted to his villagers. "Strap them to the trees and fuck them in the ass till they die!"
Why did god invent orgasms for women? So they can still have a fucking moan even when they're enjoying themselves!
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh. "Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities." "That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?" "You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies. "Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."
