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An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one day, watching the world go by, when a young kid went by carrying a whole bunch of wire. The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha carrying that wire for, son?" The kid replied, "This isn't just normal wire, this is chicken wire! I'm gonna go catch me some chickens with it." The farmer said, "Silly kid, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The kid ignored him and went on down the road. Several hours later, the kid went walking up the road the other direction, carrying a dozen chickens all bound up in chicken wire. The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by again, this time carrying several rolls of tape. The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha doing with all that tape?" The kid replied, "This isn't just normal tape, this is duck tape. I'm gonna go catch me some ducks with it." The farmer replied, "Silly kid, don't you know you can't catch ducks with duck tape?" The kid ignored him and went on his way. Several hours later, the kid returned walking up the road carrying a whole bunch of ducks, all wrapped up in duck tape. The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by again, this time carrying a stick. The farmer yelled out, "Where ya going with that stick?" The kid replied, "This isn't just a normal stick. This is a pussy willow." The farmer said, "Hold on right there kid. Let me get my hat..."
Sales of condoms in France plummeted today when the England Rugby Squad proved that to fuck 15 French you only need one Johnny!!
One day Andy goes to vist his Irish friend Bill, who has recently broken one of his legs. While sitting and talking, Bill asks if Andy can run upstairs and get him his pair of slippers. When Andy goes upstairs, he accidentally walks into the wrong bedroom, and finds Bill's twin daughters sitting the bed. Thinking quickly, Andy says to the girls, "Hey, your father sent me up here to shag you both." "Fuck off you pervert," yells one of the twins in response. "Here, I'll prove it to you," says Andy. He turns and shouts in the direction of the stairs, "Both of them?" "Of course," Bill replies. "What's the use of fookin' one?!"
A black man and hispanic are in a car together, who is driving?..............................................A cop.
-A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. -She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. -"What are you doing?" she asked. -"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, " the daughter-in-law answered. -"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. -"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. -"Love Dress? But your naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. -"My husband loves me to wear this dress, " she explained. "When he sees it, he instantly becomes romantic. -The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. -Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. -"This is my love dress, " she whispered, sensually. -"Needs ironing, " he said. "What's for dinner?" -His funeral will be held this coming Thursday, closed casket
A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"
Teaching Manners A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you're slutty. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Probably because you'd be on your knees greeting my crotch. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: That's cool, 'cause after I get done nailing you in the back of my car... I don't give a crap where you go. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: No problem, I can always withdraw onto your face Man: Do you want to dance? Woman: No! Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: That works for me... as long as you're still warm when I do you.
A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be shouting matches coming from their house. In public, the husband often screamed, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!" The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him. At the age of 80, the old guy died and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig himself out of his grave to haunt you?" The old lady calmly replied, "Let him dig. I put the casket in the other way around."
What is the first symptom of AIDS? A deep pounding sensation in your ass
