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An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice and I sleep better at night."
Why is air like sex? Because it is no big deal until you`re not getting any.
A boy asks his mum "is it wrong to have a willy?" "No,why?" she replied. "Well dads sweating like mad trying to pull his off!!!"
Two men and a woman were shipwrecked and on a deserted island. After a week the woman was so disgusted with what the men were doing to her, she killed herself. A week later, the two men were so disgusted with what they were doing, they decided to bury her. A week after that , the two men were so completely disgusted with what they were doing, they dug her up again.
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that? The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay, said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awoken suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'" "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."
A bitter rivalry for the sexual favors of a beautiful women had been going on between the two mates for years. One day an angel appeared before on of them and announced that he'd been sent by God to teach the rivaling friends a lesson. "I'll give you anything you ask for," the angel said, "but whatever you get, your friend will get it, too, only twice as much. If you want wealth, you'll have it, but your friend will be twice as wealthy as you. If you want a big house, he'll get one that's twice as big." The bloke thought for a moment and then grinned. "Okay," he said, "give me a 15 stone woman and half a marriage license!"
