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Video:
A bloke asks a barman for a quadruple scotch,then necks it in one. Barman says, Wow,what`s wrong? Bloke says I came home early & went up to the bedroom where i saw my wife shagging my best friend. What did you say asks the barman? Bloke says i told her to pack her things & fuck off. What about your best friend? I looked him straight in the eye & said, bad dog!
How`s the 2nd-hand pussy? New husband says: Its Great thanks.., after the first 2 inches, it`s Brand New..,!
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They`re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That`s a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in California, BUT we`re not having any of that crap in Texas"
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
One day a priest went to his backyard to check on his chicken coop. When he was there he noticed that his only rooster was missing. So during the next mass he asked, "Who has seen a cock?", then all the women in the church raised their hands. "No, I mean who has seen a cock that is not theirs?", then all the women and some of the men raised their hands. "Oh for goodness sake, who has seen my cock?!" Then all the choir boys raised their hands!
Department of the Treasury Internal Revenue Service Washington, D.C. To: All Male Taxpayers RE: Notice of increase of tax payment Form 1040 - P The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts. Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040. 10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00 8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00 5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00 4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00 Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension!!!!!! Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains. Sincerely, Peter Checker Internal Revenue Service
Paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a sports car.The driver is screamin in pain,+ they tell him to calm down. 'At least u haven't been flung out through the windscreen like your girlfriend, they say'. He screamed back, 'Have u seen what's in her fucking mouth?'
A woman in a coma was recieving a bed bath from the nurse when the nurse noticed the woman responded to touch around the vaginal area. The nurse called up the woman`s husband and told him that `oral sex might wake her`. The husband went in and two minutes later the woman was dead. The nurse asked `what happened?` The man replied, `I dont know, maybe she choked!`
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird`s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That`s really not so bad." When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman`s husband `Keith` came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I`m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver`s seat looking out the window. "Why aren`t we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I`m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
