Video:
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side
effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the
bathroom.
Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglar -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves.
This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Havana Omelette -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try
using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave,
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.
Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit
streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the
janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE
can become a SAFE HAVEN.
4.09/5
621
2
5/17/2006- by XyKo
Video:
Here are some reasons to listen to Channel 9 while sitting on United Flights...you could spend the entire flight laughing. Hope these put a smile on your face... Actual Air Traffic Control Exchanges from various sources:
===============================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
===============================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
===============================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
===============================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
===============================================
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
===============================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
===============================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
===============================================
German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
===============================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
- 4.08/5
- 1525
- 4
- 10/11/2005
- by rc
Video:
A few strange facts and tales compiled in the "Eiples Beleive it or not - Encyclopedia of the Bizzarre" whixh I bought recently, enjoy:
- In 1991, sidewalk vendors in Mexico City began selling oxygen ata cost of 5,000 Pesos to help counteract the smog.
- A small channel steamer, carrying 74 passengers and crew, split in half on a voyage from England to France on November 18th, 1905-- But 26 men managed to cling to the ships mast which broke away from the vessel and became wedged upright in a reef. The next day, rescuers found 20 dead men with their fingers frozen to the mast, But their tightly packed bodies had enabled 6 men to survive.
- After becoming blind and deaf in a truck accident, Edwin Robinson, of Falmouth, Maine, regained his sight and hearing after being struck by lightning.
- Aimé Grosjean, aged 72, of Regendorf, Switzerland, was blown off a 17th floor balcony by a gust of wind, but landed on a lower floor, unharmed.
- Parachutist Michael Loeb got tangled during a jump and spent twenty minutes dangling one thousand feet above the ground from a plane traveling one hundred and fifty miles per hour.
- A human skeleton, still visable on a wall in Partrishow, Wales, was painted centuries ago in blood.
- The Kingswald family, Austria 1928: A viper bit the grandfather and the fang remained in his boot after he died. His son and grandson wore the boots and were poisened also. 3 generations of one family dead in a month.
- Judge James Barlow and Judge John Benavides - total strangers - were each married in San Antonio, Texas, on December 22nd,1951. Both honeymooned in Monterrey, Mexico, and the wife of each man gave birth to a daughter on the same day - January 11th, 1953 - and in the same hospital. Both men became district judges in San Antonio and both had courtrooms on the second floor of the Bexar County courthouse.
- A needle embedded in the knee of Mrs. Helen Jensen, of Seattle, Washington, when she was a small child was removed from her baby thirty years later.
- Paul Hubert, of Bordeaux, France, was convicted in 1863 of murdering himself! He served 21 years of solitary confinement before it was discovered that his supposed victim was none other than himself.
- Over a century ago, twelve sycamore trees were planted beside the Grace Episcopal Church in Plymouth, North Carolina. Each tree was named after one of Jesus' apostles. The tree called Judas was hit by lightening and destroyed.
- The Peace Poplar planted in Jena, Germany in 1815, to celebrate the end of the Napoleonic War with France, topples suddenly, 99 years later, on August 1st, 1914 - the day World War I started.
- 'Lightening strikes twice': In 1991, lightening destroyed a house in Maleville, France, for the third time.
- During the Vietnam War, American troops threw slinkies over tree to use as antennas for their radios.
