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Video:An Affair

An Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 

Video:A Doctor

A Doctor

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

 

Video:Odd Computer Viruses

Odd Computer Viruses

Computer Viruses:


George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize at 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

 

Video:Diagnostic computer at Wal-Mart...

Diagnostic computer at Wal-Mart...

"One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

 

Video:Business Tactics

Business Tactics

Moodley speaks with his son.

Moodley: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "No - I will choose my own bride!"
Moodley: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case... OK!"

Next, Moodley approaches Bill Gates.

Moodley: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Moodley: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... OK!"

Finally, Moodley goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Moodley: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Moodley: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case... OK!"

 

Video:Strange But True...

Strange But True...

A few strange facts and tales compiled in the "Eiples Beleive it or not - Encyclopedia of the Bizzarre" whixh I bought recently, enjoy:

- In 1991, sidewalk vendors in Mexico City began selling oxygen ata cost of 5,000 Pesos to help counteract the smog.

- A small channel steamer, carrying 74 passengers and crew, split in half on a voyage from England to France on November 18th, 1905-- But 26 men managed to cling to the ships mast which broke away from the vessel and became wedged upright in a reef. The next day, rescuers found 20 dead men with their fingers frozen to the mast, But their tightly packed bodies had enabled 6 men to survive.

- After becoming blind and deaf in a truck accident, Edwin Robinson, of Falmouth, Maine, regained his sight and hearing after being struck by lightning.

- Aimé Grosjean, aged 72, of Regendorf, Switzerland, was blown off a 17th floor balcony by a gust of wind, but landed on a lower floor, unharmed.

- Parachutist Michael Loeb got tangled during a jump and spent twenty minutes dangling one thousand feet above the ground from a plane traveling one hundred and fifty miles per hour.

- A human skeleton, still visable on a wall in Partrishow, Wales, was painted centuries ago in blood.

- The Kingswald family, Austria 1928: A viper bit the grandfather and the fang remained in his boot after he died. His son and grandson wore the boots and were poisened also. 3 generations of one family dead in a month.

- Judge James Barlow and Judge John Benavides - total strangers - were each married in San Antonio, Texas, on December 22nd,1951. Both honeymooned in Monterrey, Mexico, and the wife of each man gave birth to a daughter on the same day - January 11th, 1953 - and in the same hospital. Both men became district judges in San Antonio and both had courtrooms on the second floor of the Bexar County courthouse.

- A needle embedded in the knee of Mrs. Helen Jensen, of Seattle, Washington, when she was a small child was removed from her baby thirty years later.

- Paul Hubert, of Bordeaux, France, was convicted in 1863 of murdering himself! He served 21 years of solitary confinement before it was discovered that his supposed victim was none other than himself.

- Over a century ago, twelve sycamore trees were planted beside the Grace Episcopal Church in Plymouth, North Carolina. Each tree was named after one of Jesus' apostles. The tree called Judas was hit by lightening and destroyed.

- The Peace Poplar planted in Jena, Germany in 1815, to celebrate the end of the Napoleonic War with France, topples suddenly, 99 years later, on August 1st, 1914 - the day World War I started.

- 'Lightening strikes twice': In 1991, lightening destroyed a house in Maleville, France, for the third time.

- During the Vietnam War, American troops threw slinkies over tree to use as antennas for their radios.

 

Video:Geeks...

Geeks...

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

 

Video:Impromptu

Impromptu

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

 

Video:Differences Between You and Your Boss

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy. .
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. .
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority..
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed..
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. .
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing..
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around..
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick..
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. .
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

 

Video:Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't

Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

 

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Entry Dates: 9/8/2007-9/14/2009

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