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Video:An Affair

An Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 

Video:Business Tactics

Business Tactics

Moodley speaks with his son.

Moodley: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "No - I will choose my own bride!"
Moodley: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case... OK!"

Next, Moodley approaches Bill Gates.

Moodley: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Moodley: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... OK!"

Finally, Moodley goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Moodley: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Moodley: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case... OK!"

 

Video:Odd Computer Viruses

Odd Computer Viruses

Computer Viruses:


George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize at 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

 

Video:Strange But True...

Strange But True...

A few strange facts and tales compiled in the "Eiples Beleive it or not - Encyclopedia of the Bizzarre" whixh I bought recently, enjoy:

- In 1991, sidewalk vendors in Mexico City began selling oxygen ata cost of 5,000 Pesos to help counteract the smog.

- A small channel steamer, carrying 74 passengers and crew, split in half on a voyage from England to France on November 18th, 1905-- But 26 men managed to cling to the ships mast which broke away from the vessel and became wedged upright in a reef. The next day, rescuers found 20 dead men with their fingers frozen to the mast, But their tightly packed bodies had enabled 6 men to survive.

- After becoming blind and deaf in a truck accident, Edwin Robinson, of Falmouth, Maine, regained his sight and hearing after being struck by lightning.

- Aimé Grosjean, aged 72, of Regendorf, Switzerland, was blown off a 17th floor balcony by a gust of wind, but landed on a lower floor, unharmed.

- Parachutist Michael Loeb got tangled during a jump and spent twenty minutes dangling one thousand feet above the ground from a plane traveling one hundred and fifty miles per hour.

- A human skeleton, still visable on a wall in Partrishow, Wales, was painted centuries ago in blood.

- The Kingswald family, Austria 1928: A viper bit the grandfather and the fang remained in his boot after he died. His son and grandson wore the boots and were poisened also. 3 generations of one family dead in a month.

- Judge James Barlow and Judge John Benavides - total strangers - were each married in San Antonio, Texas, on December 22nd,1951. Both honeymooned in Monterrey, Mexico, and the wife of each man gave birth to a daughter on the same day - January 11th, 1953 - and in the same hospital. Both men became district judges in San Antonio and both had courtrooms on the second floor of the Bexar County courthouse.

- A needle embedded in the knee of Mrs. Helen Jensen, of Seattle, Washington, when she was a small child was removed from her baby thirty years later.

- Paul Hubert, of Bordeaux, France, was convicted in 1863 of murdering himself! He served 21 years of solitary confinement before it was discovered that his supposed victim was none other than himself.

- Over a century ago, twelve sycamore trees were planted beside the Grace Episcopal Church in Plymouth, North Carolina. Each tree was named after one of Jesus' apostles. The tree called Judas was hit by lightening and destroyed.

- The Peace Poplar planted in Jena, Germany in 1815, to celebrate the end of the Napoleonic War with France, topples suddenly, 99 years later, on August 1st, 1914 - the day World War I started.

- 'Lightening strikes twice': In 1991, lightening destroyed a house in Maleville, France, for the third time.

- During the Vietnam War, American troops threw slinkies over tree to use as antennas for their radios.

 

Video:A Doctor

A Doctor

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

 

Video:Job Application

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

Video:Geeks...

Geeks...

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

 

Video:Just Too Stupid

Just Too Stupid

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

Video:Impromptu

Impromptu

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

 

Video:Differences Between You and Your Boss

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy. .
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. .
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority..
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed..
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. .
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing..
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around..
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick..
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. .
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

 

The Spikedhumor Drawing!Drawing Coming Soon!
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Entry Dates: 9/8/2007-9/14/2009

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