Video:
A few strange facts and tales compiled in the "Eiples Beleive it or not - Encyclopedia of the Bizzarre" whixh I bought recently, enjoy:
- In 1991, sidewalk vendors in Mexico City began selling oxygen ata cost of 5,000 Pesos to help counteract the smog.
- A small channel steamer, carrying 74 passengers and crew, split in half on a voyage from England to France on November 18th, 1905-- But 26 men managed to cling to the ships mast which broke away from the vessel and became wedged upright in a reef. The next day, rescuers found 20 dead men with their fingers frozen to the mast, But their tightly packed bodies had enabled 6 men to survive.
- After becoming blind and deaf in a truck accident, Edwin Robinson, of Falmouth, Maine, regained his sight and hearing after being struck by lightning.
- Aimé Grosjean, aged 72, of Regendorf, Switzerland, was blown off a 17th floor balcony by a gust of wind, but landed on a lower floor, unharmed.
- Parachutist Michael Loeb got tangled during a jump and spent twenty minutes dangling one thousand feet above the ground from a plane traveling one hundred and fifty miles per hour.
- A human skeleton, still visable on a wall in Partrishow, Wales, was painted centuries ago in blood.
- The Kingswald family, Austria 1928: A viper bit the grandfather and the fang remained in his boot after he died. His son and grandson wore the boots and were poisened also. 3 generations of one family dead in a month.
- Judge James Barlow and Judge John Benavides - total strangers - were each married in San Antonio, Texas, on December 22nd,1951. Both honeymooned in Monterrey, Mexico, and the wife of each man gave birth to a daughter on the same day - January 11th, 1953 - and in the same hospital. Both men became district judges in San Antonio and both had courtrooms on the second floor of the Bexar County courthouse.
- A needle embedded in the knee of Mrs. Helen Jensen, of Seattle, Washington, when she was a small child was removed from her baby thirty years later.
- Paul Hubert, of Bordeaux, France, was convicted in 1863 of murdering himself! He served 21 years of solitary confinement before it was discovered that his supposed victim was none other than himself.
- Over a century ago, twelve sycamore trees were planted beside the Grace Episcopal Church in Plymouth, North Carolina. Each tree was named after one of Jesus' apostles. The tree called Judas was hit by lightening and destroyed.
- The Peace Poplar planted in Jena, Germany in 1815, to celebrate the end of the Napoleonic War with France, topples suddenly, 99 years later, on August 1st, 1914 - the day World War I started.
- 'Lightening strikes twice': In 1991, lightening destroyed a house in Maleville, France, for the third time.
- During the Vietnam War, American troops threw slinkies over tree to use as antennas for their radios.
Video:
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time,
he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy. .
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too
busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. .
When your boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority..
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed..
When your boss does it,
he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. .
When your boss
skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing..
When your boss pleases
his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around..
When your boss is
out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick..
When your boss is a day
off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. .
When your boss
applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Video:
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side
effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the
bathroom.
Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglar -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves.
This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Havana Omelette -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try
using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave,
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.
Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit
streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the
janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE
can become a SAFE HAVEN.
4.09/5
621
2
5/17/2006- by XyKo
Video:
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water..
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
********POOF******
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
*******POOF*******
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
******POOF******
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached .
Video:
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.
HE GOT THE JOB
