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A magazine recently ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers. Here are the top ten finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA) 2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "This project is so important, we can`t let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation) 6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We`ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I`ll let you know when it`s time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)
Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor`s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company`s mental health policy. Lunch Break - Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that`s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I`ll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She`s gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He`s gone. OK, you`re up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Management lesson? Always let your boss have the first say.
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A: The pizza can still feed a family of four.
BULL MARKET—A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET—A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING—The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO—The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER—What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR—Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST—Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT—When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER—A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION—The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO—What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS—What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR—Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse. SHARES- Not something selfish individuals buy. INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE- The private sector’s answer to public education standards so industrialists won’t feel bad too. PROFIT—An archaic word no longer in use.
Do you know why the Irish currency is called the Punt? “Because is rhymes with Bank Manager”
What do you say to a merchant banker who knocks on your door? How much do I owe you for the pizza?
- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. - The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...). - If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. - You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. - People are always available for work in the past tense. - If it wasn`t for the last minute, nothing would get done. - At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. - When you don`t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. - You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I notice Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what`s happening?" To which I replied, "Buzz off Gates, I`m in a meeting."
