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The Walton`s invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living. Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman." "No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says `I just caught another fish`."
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don`t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She`s only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it`s father`s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he`s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork`s parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he`s been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!"
- He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. - When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. - He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." - He tells you that he has never told a lie. - A big sign in his office says: "Don`t ask me." - A prison guard is shaving your head.
When you take a long time, you`re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he`s thorough. When you don`t do it, you`re lazy. When your boss doesn`t do it, he`s too busy. When you make a mistake, you`re an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he`s only human. When doing something without being told, you`re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that`s initiative. When you take a stand, you`re being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he`s being firm. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you`re being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he`s being original. When you`re out of the office, you`re wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he`s on business. When you`re on a day off sick, you`re always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it`s because he`s overworked
Boss, to four of his employees: "I`m really sorry, but I`m going to have to let one of you go." Black employee: "I`m a minority." Female employee: "And I`m a woman." Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I`ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it`ll make your head spin." They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay?"
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director`s office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you`ve ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"
Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they`re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they`re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.
