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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
More silly stuff from the British comic Viz. Some letters: According to the BBC website, `cocaine users are getting younger`. I have always avoided illegal narcotics but now I`ve found out that they actually reverse the ageing process I`m going to give them a bash. (Simon Halliday) I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture. (Peter Roeth) It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. (Johnny Pring) A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that`s a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. (M Lovejoy) I knitted a jumper for my husband this Christmas, but I couldn`t shake off a nagging feeling that I`d gone wrong somewhere. I was sure it was the right size and his favourite colour. I realised my mistake when I came to give it him his gift on Christmas Day - I suddenly remembered that he died in 1973. (Dolly Churchill, London) How can police go around arresting people based on DNA evidence when we share 98% of our DNA with chimps? It might be chimps going around committing all the crimes. (H Montgomerie, Luton) I have just returned home after watching Oliver Stone`s new flick World Trade Centre, and I have to say I was a little disappointed by the storyline. Two planes crashing into the Twin Towers... on the same day. It`s a bit far-fetched. (Lee Lyons) My sides were aching after I went to see comedian Jimmy Carr recently. Whilst walking out of the theatre half way through the show, I fell down the stairs and cracked two ribs. (Eric Todd, Hull) Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What`s healthy about that? (Mark J, Barnsley) Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while. (Warren) THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I`ve got nothing to eat my dinner with. (Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire) I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. (Neil Palmer) I WAS devastated when my doctor told me that I had just a week to live. Then I remembered that I am a mayfly, and a week was equivalent to a human being living for 500 years. So I cheered up immeasurably. (K Lampard, Stoke) I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me I wasn`t covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it up the side with a key. (Christina Martin) In Charlie and the Chocolate factory, was nobody even a little bit suspicious that, after 20 years in bed, Grandpa Jo jumped to his feet and danced about like Fred Astaire when he got offered a free meal ticket? Lazy fuck. (Graeme Patterson) ACCORDING to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine fucking was. (J Downing, Stoke on Trent) Tips: MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It`s more comfortable and you`ll be able to watch TV and use the internet. RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face. DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel. FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly. TRAMPS. Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales. PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase `he/she will be five next birthday` involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful. BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the `Fiction` section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs. ITALIAN waiters. Ensure a warm welcome for your customers by having a good 5-second stare at their wives` tits upon entry, and then another good stare after they have been seated. CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can. BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs. AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your `friendly fire` tactics, the war should be over in days. MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts. BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the `toast always lands butter side down` myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees. DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera`s red-eye reduction feature.
More silly stuff from the British comic Viz. Some letters: KEEP a copy of Love Actually or Mrs Doubtfire in your medicine cabinet at home. The last five minutes of these films can induce vomiting if toxic substances have accidentally been swallowed. (T Crone, Louth) FAT partygoers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don`t sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet. (Macker) PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn`t just looking up the answer on the Internet? (DNC, London) I saw a few weeks ago that a man had been arrested trying to smuggle 2 kilograms of cocaine into the USA. Then last week I heard a man got arrested trying to smuggle 10 kilograms of cocaine out of the USA. I wish they`d make their minds up, do they want the stuff or not? (Pete T) My teachers told me I would never make anything of myself if I sat staring into space during lessons. However, I had the last laugh as I am now the Astronomer Royal. (Martin Rees, Greenwich) On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked `What `C` would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?` to which I confidently replied `cunt`. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one`s family? (Noel, Leeds) Tips: Climb onto your neighbour`s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He`ll think his house is underwater. Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don`t, because you can`t and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You`ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously `erased`. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary A next door neighbour`s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you`ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don`t know. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Make your girlfriend cry when you`re having sex by phoning her up and telling her. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first: If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race.... you`re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you`re a pansy. If you work too hard ... there`s never any time for her. If you don`t work enough ... you`re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you`re a wimp. If you don`t ... you`re an insensitive *******. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you`re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she`s a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn`t enjoy ... that`s domination. If SHE asks you ... it`s a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you`re a pervert. If you don`t ... you`re gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you`re sexist. If you don`t ... you`re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you`re vain. If you don`t ... you`re a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you`re after something. If you don`t ... you`re not thoughtful. If you`re proud of your achievements ... you`re full of yourself. If you don`t ... you`re not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she`s tired. If you have a headache ... you don`t love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you`re oversexed. If you don`t ... there must be someone else. Why do men die first? Because they want to.
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident. The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days." "Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy. "And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune." Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy. "No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."
A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman. She looked the man sternly and said, "I`ve got news for you young man - you`re going straight to hell!" The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I`m on the wrong bus!"
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. v He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they`re escaping!" cries the visitor. "You`ve got to stop them." "Don`t worry, they`ll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o`clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
