Spiked Humor Crave Online

Video:

Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."



12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."



11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."



10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."



9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.



8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.



7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.



6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."



5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.



4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).



3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"



2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".



1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."

• 3.47/5
• 15413
• 6
• 8/8/2007
• by DaVyWaVyBaBy

Video:

The World According To Children

These are some actual things that children said.

*Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

*The law of gravity says it's not fair jumping up without coming back down.

*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

*Lime is a green-tasting rock.

*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

*A monsoon is a French gentleman.

*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

*The wind is like the air, only pushier.

• 4.15/5
• 8224
• 7
• 7/4/2007
• by DaVyWaVyBaBy

Video:

35 Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
5. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
6. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
7. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
8. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
9. If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
11. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
12. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
13. Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
14. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
15. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
16. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
17. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
18. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
19. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
20. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
21. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
22. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
23. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
24. Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.
25. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
26. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
27. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
28. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
29. Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
30. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 31. Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
32. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
33. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
34. Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.
35. Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

• 3.31/5
• 7515
• 28
• 1/30/2006
• by Spyker_4

Video:

50 THINGS TO DO DURING YOUR FINAL EXAM

These are only recommended if you are going to fail the class anyway!

1.Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get
cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3.If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4.Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6.Bring cheerleaders.
7.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8.Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9.On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.
10.Be creative.
11.Bring pets.
12.Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
13.Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
14.Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15.Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19.Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam.
Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20.Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21.Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22.Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24.Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "F*** this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25.Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26.Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28.Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29.Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30.Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31.Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32.Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33.From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34.Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35.If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36.Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37.Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38.Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39.When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40.After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. One word: Wrestlemania.
41.Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
42.Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
43.Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
44.Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
45.Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46.Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47.During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48.Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49.Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don`t forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50.Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

• 3.39/5
• 6915
• 15
• 10/12/2005
• by ninjagowoowoo

Video:

The 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records

1 FASTEST TALKER: In 1995, Canadian Sean Shannon recited Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy, 260 words, in 23.8secs.

2 HEAVIEST VEHICLE PULLED OVER 100FT: This year, Derek Boyer of Australia pulled a 30.68-tonne truck-trailer combination 30.5 metres.

3 HIGHEST SHALLOW DIVE: In January, Danny Higginbottom of Louisiana dived 8.90m into 30cm of water.

4 BREATH HELD VOLUNTARILY: The USA's Robert Foster held his breath for 13mins 42.5secs in 1959.

5 LONGEST TIME TO ENDURE FULL BODY ICE CONTACT: Wim Hoff of the Netherlands stood in an ice cube-filled tube for 1hr 17mins in January.

6 MOST CONSECUTIVE POGO-STICK JUMPS: In 1990, Gary Stewart did 177,737 in California.

7 MOST GLASSES BALANCED ON THE CHIN: In 2001, Ashrita Furman managed 75 pint beer glasses for 10.6secs in New York.

8 MOST ONE-FINGER PUSH-UPS: In 1992, Paul Lynch performed 124 in London.

9 OLDEST PERSON TO LOOP THE LOOP: In 1998, Adeline Ablitt, 95, did a glider loop over Leicestershire.

10 HIGHEST TIGHTROPE WALK: Frenchman Michael Menin walked a 3,150 metre-high tightrope in 1989.

11 WALKING - GREATEST DOCUMENTED LIFETIME MILEAGE: Between 1969 and 2000, Arthur Blessitt of Florida, USA, walked 34,501 miles on seven continents while carrying a 3.7-metre cross.

12 HAIRIEST FAMILY: Mexicans Victor and Gabriel Ramos Gomez have 98% of their bodies covered in fur.

13 HIGHEST G-FORCE ENDURED VOLUNTARILY: 82.6g for 0.04secs by Eli L Beeding Jr of the USA in 1958. He spent three days in hospital afterwards.

14 LONGEST ATTACK OF HICCUPS: Charles Osborne of the USA - 1922 to 1990.

15 LONGEST TATTOO SESSION: In 2003, Chris Goodwill spent 33 hours tattooing Kevin Budden in Plumstead, South East London.

16 LONGEST TIME WITH A NAIL IN THE HEAD: Robin Hanshaw of Stoke Poges, Bucks, had a one-inch rusty nail stuck between his ear and eye for 22 years.

17 MOST COMPULSIVE SWALLOWER: In 1927, a Canadian woman had 2,533 objects removed from her stomach, including 947 pins.

18 MOST LIGHTNING STRIKES SURVIVED: Roy C Sullivan from Virginia, USA, was struck for the seventh time in 1977.

19 MOST PIERCED MAN: Luis Antonio Aguero from Cuba has 230 piercings.

20 MOST CHILDREN DELIVERED: American Bobby McCaughey had seven delivered by Caesarean in 1997.

21 MOST FEET SNIFFED: In a 15-year career, Madeline Albrecht sniffed 5,600 feet while working for footcare experts Dr Scholl in the USA.

22 MOST ELASTIC MAN: Pierre Beauchemin is nicknamed Mr Gumby for his ability to contort his arms and legs.

23 FASTEST BALLOON DOG MADE BEHIND BACK: Britain's Craig "Blink" Keith made a balloon poodle in 9.26secs in May, all with his hands behind his back.

24 FASTEST SPEED DRAGGED BEHIND A MOTORBIKE: Gary Rothwell of Liverpool was dragged at 156mph on 2mm titanium-soled boots in 1999.

25 MOST SPOONS BALANCED ON FACE: America's Tim Johnston, 12, balanced 15 on his face for 30secs in May.

26 HEAVIEST TRAIN PULLED WITH BEARD: Ismael Rivas Falcon of Spain pulled a 6,069lb train in 2001.

27 MOST CONSECUTIVE FOOT JUGGLING FLIPS WITH A HUMAN: In 2000, Iranian Ali Bandbaz juggled his brother Massoud for twelve 360o revolutions using his feet.

28 THE HEAVIEST TWINS: In 1978, Billy Leon McCrary weighed 51st 9lbs and his brother, Benny Lloyd, was 57st 1lbs. Both died from heart failure.

29 ORANGE NOSE PUSH: Alistair Ross pushed an orange with his nose along Brighton seafront for a mile last year.

30 MOST WATCHES EATEN: Kim Seung Do from Seoul, South Korea, ate five in 1hr 34mins in 1998.

31 LONGEST MAGGOT BATH: Christine Martin of Horsham, West Sussex, sat in a bath of them for 1hr 30mins in 2002.

32 MOTIONLESS: In 1997, Om Prakash Singh of India stood still for 20hrs, 10mins and 6secs.

33 TALLEST LIVING WOMAN: Sandy Allen of the USA, at 7ft 7ins.

34 HEAVIEST MAN: In 1978, Jon Brower Minnoch of the USA weighed more than 100st.

35 LARGEST HANDS: Hussain Bisad of Somalia's measure 26.9cm from the wrist to the tip of his middle finger.

36 LARGEST CHEST: Robert Earl Hughes of the USA - 315cm.

37 FARTHEST EYEBALL POPPER: Kim Goodman of the USA popped hers 1mm beyond her sockets in 1998.

38 MOST BODY SKIPS: In 2003, handcuffed Ved Prakash Sharma of India skipped with his arms 27 times in a minute, stepping through his arms and bringing them over his head.

39 MOST RATTLESNAKES HELD IN MOUTH: Jackie Bibby of the USA held eight live snakes by their tails for 12.5secs in 2001.

40 FASTEST TIME TO TYPE A MILLION: Between 1982 and 1998, Aussie Les Stewart typed the numbers one to one million in words

. 41 LONGEST JOKE-TELLING MARATHON: In 1992, Mike Heeman of the USA cracked 12,682 in 24hrs.

42 BLINDFOLDED SPEED RECORD: Briton Mike Newman hit 164.87mph on a motorbike in Wiltshire last year.

43 LONGEST TIME ON ONE FOOT: Arulanantham Suresh Joachim of Sri Lanka balanced for 76hrs, 40mins in 1997.

44 LONGEST TIME TRAPPED IN A LIFT: Cypriot Kively Papajohn, 76, was trapped from Dec 28, 1987, to Jan 2, 1988. She lived on the food in her shopping bag.

45 LONGEST TONGUE: Britain's Stephen Taylor has a tongue measuring 9.4cm from the tip to the centre of his closed top lip.

46 STRANGEST DIET: Frenchman Michel Lotito has been eating metal and glass since 1959.

47 SHORTEST MAN: In 1990, Gul Mohammed of India was just 57cm tall.

48 MOST TENNIS BALLS HELD IN ONE HAND: Francisco Peinado Toledo of Spain held 18 for 10 seconds last year.

49 OLDEST BAREFOOT WATER-SKIER: George Blair, 87, of the USA waterskied barefoot on Lake Florence, Florida, in 2002.

50 MOST PEOPLE CRAMMED INTO A SMART CAR: 13 girls in Munich, Germany, in 1999.

• 4.11/5
• 6670
• 14
• 5/6/2006
• by reklaw

Video:

10 Truths

This ........ is funny, if you you politically correct, then ........ it, you may be offended, all of it was funny as hell to me.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, BLACK, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Hickies are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Cars are not meant to touch the ground.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. Ten people to a car is considered too many.
8. You're in America, you speak English.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

TEN TRUTHS BLACK, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. NSYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional spanking helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Ranch is a salad dressing, not a side dish.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT ASIAN PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. You can't drive.
2. Disneyland is not the happiest place on earth.
3. The peace sign is outdated.
4. Rice is not a main course.
5. Taking pictures is fun, taking pictures of strangers is just weird.
6. Feet were meant to grow.
7. You need girls just as much as you need boys.
8. Dogs were meant to be pets, not eaten.
9. You dont need above a 4.0 to graduate.
10. Fanny packs are not an accessory

• 3.84/5
• 6026
• 30
• 6/16/2006
• by krebstaz

Video:

Parking Tickets

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day.

It's important.

• 3.74/5
• 5448
• 13
• 1/21/2006
• by Chowdder

Video:

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

• 3.58/5
• 5347
• 16
• 12/14/2005
• by NikNak

Video:

Crazy Girl Break-up Letter

May 23, 2005

Dear Davey:

I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I have gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness. It is now time for me to close this chapter of my life.

I am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back. In my professional life I have done this, but my personal life struggles. For so long I/We were "Sarah and Davey", that it is hard to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about my career; I will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am just stunted by my personal life.

I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I do have a proposal on how to handle this I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. As to how to deal with it, I propose the following:

1. I've heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need to move out of the West side of Indianapolis, this has always been my side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent like you. I grew up here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if you were to leave Indianapolis all together, but I know this is more than I can ask. I do not want to risk running into you at any store.

2. We should officially divide our friends. Particularly Jim, Jillian, Amy, and Ed. You should write them, thanking them for the opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with addresses, if you need.

3. I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise not to get involved with any Republican politics, unless my father runs for judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his campaign.

4. I would like you to not have anything to do with all things Cathedral. I feel I should have ownership of the school since my mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to Wabash. This should be where you dedicate your alumni status. I will be involved in Cathedral. When the time of reunions comes up, I am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending in "0" years and I will take the"5" years. So you can have 10 years and I will take 25 years.

5. I will avoid Wabash contacts. The few guys from the house I still speak to on a rare basis, I will not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have from attending Wabash.

I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they are for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know that this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think we should do our best to avoid what we can.

It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time to respond. This is my last request of you.

With fondness,

Sarah

______________________________________

Davey's Response

May 31, 2005

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago. Knowing that and taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold, career focused, ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But since I clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted.

1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire subsides, I will vacate the Westside and return to my roots: The Snooty Northside, as you used to call it. However, since I was born on the Northside and I have Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the North. This includes: Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside, walking down North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the Minnesota North Stars), weari ng North Face apparel or telling your children that Santa lives at the North Pole.

1 (B). I was born in Indianapolis before you were so I should really get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let you exist here only within the St. Michael's Parish boundary (MLK Dr. to High School Rd. and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will call this the SarahZone. This should be acceptable for you as your family lives across the street and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your place of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be made with my expressed written consent. You will be required to display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to travel beyond the SarahZone.

2. I haven't talked to your friends since we broke up. I think they got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't my friends anymore. Do you agree? _______Yes ________No ________Maybe

2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we visited some of my family friends on Geist. It was about eight years ago. We enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a pre-500 party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas, pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything else you consumed while you were there. I don't have their address anymore, you can look it up.

3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I'm going to run against him.

3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team in the winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in all things related to ice and ice hockey . You can use those instant first aid coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on. Also, my parents have been very involved with the Indianapolis 500 Festival for nearly 20 years. The month of May is really a big month for us. While I am not able to honor your request of moving out of Indianapolis, I would ask that you just leave town during May. With 250,000 fans going to the race and 35,000 runners in the Mini-Marathon, I don't want to run the risk of bumping into you. I know your birthday is in May, but man, I just don't care.

4. Christ, I don't have the energy for this one.

5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still talk to you, they are fucking fired as friends.

5 (B). I'm not going to tell my kids anything about you. But speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer.

In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my family based on whether I might run into you at the store. I am now convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will spontaneously combust. I wish you the best of luck in finding a spouse. Seriously. It won't be easy to find a person who is willing to spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a rational human being.

All my best,

Davey

• 3.69/5
• 5298
• 26
• 4/2/2006
• by tengotumadreenlacama

Video:

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

• 3.87/5
• 5069
• 18
• 3/20/2006
• by Elfie