Spiked Humor Crave Online

Video:

How Many Forum Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

18 who trip over each other in their rush to say "repost!"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

• 3.6/5
• 3276
• 30
• 3/7/2006
• by Pandora

Video:

10 Truths

This ........ is funny, if you you politically correct, then ........ it, you may be offended, all of it was funny as hell to me.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, BLACK, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Hickies are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Cars are not meant to touch the ground.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. Ten people to a car is considered too many.
8. You're in America, you speak English.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

TEN TRUTHS BLACK, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. NSYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional spanking helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Ranch is a salad dressing, not a side dish.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT ASIAN PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. You can't drive.
2. Disneyland is not the happiest place on earth.
3. The peace sign is outdated.
4. Rice is not a main course.
5. Taking pictures is fun, taking pictures of strangers is just weird.
6. Feet were meant to grow.
7. You need girls just as much as you need boys.
8. Dogs were meant to be pets, not eaten.
9. You dont need above a 4.0 to graduate.
10. Fanny packs are not an accessory

• 3.84/5
• 6026
• 30
• 6/16/2006
• by krebstaz

Video:

S.A.T. Questions & Answers

The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests given to 16 year-old students! Don't laugh too hard -- one of them could become president one day! You have to admit some are very creative.

- Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

- Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

- Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

- Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

- Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

- Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

- Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.

- Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

- Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.

- Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

- Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

- Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contain heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

- Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

- Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

- Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.

- Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

- Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor..

- Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

- Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

- Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

- Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

And just think, one day our social security checks will depend on these kids.

• 3.65/5
• 4227
• 29
• 3/11/2006
• by Chowdder

Video:

35 Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
5. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
6. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
7. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
8. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
9. If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
11. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
12. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
13. Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
14. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
15. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
16. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
17. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
18. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
19. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
20. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
21. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
22. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
23. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
24. Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.
25. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
26. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
27. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
28. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
29. Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
30. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 31. Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
32. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
33. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
34. Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.
35. Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

• 3.31/5
• 7515
• 28
• 1/30/2006
• by Spyker_4

Video:

Crazy Girl Break-up Letter

May 23, 2005

Dear Davey:

I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I have gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness. It is now time for me to close this chapter of my life.

I am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back. In my professional life I have done this, but my personal life struggles. For so long I/We were "Sarah and Davey", that it is hard to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about my career; I will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am just stunted by my personal life.

I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I do have a proposal on how to handle this I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. As to how to deal with it, I propose the following:

1. I've heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need to move out of the West side of Indianapolis, this has always been my side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent like you. I grew up here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if you were to leave Indianapolis all together, but I know this is more than I can ask. I do not want to risk running into you at any store.

2. We should officially divide our friends. Particularly Jim, Jillian, Amy, and Ed. You should write them, thanking them for the opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with addresses, if you need.

3. I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise not to get involved with any Republican politics, unless my father runs for judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his campaign.

4. I would like you to not have anything to do with all things Cathedral. I feel I should have ownership of the school since my mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to Wabash. This should be where you dedicate your alumni status. I will be involved in Cathedral. When the time of reunions comes up, I am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending in "0" years and I will take the"5" years. So you can have 10 years and I will take 25 years.

5. I will avoid Wabash contacts. The few guys from the house I still speak to on a rare basis, I will not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have from attending Wabash.

I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they are for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know that this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think we should do our best to avoid what we can.

It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time to respond. This is my last request of you.

With fondness,

Sarah

______________________________________

Davey's Response

May 31, 2005

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago. Knowing that and taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold, career focused, ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But since I clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted.

1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire subsides, I will vacate the Westside and return to my roots: The Snooty Northside, as you used to call it. However, since I was born on the Northside and I have Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the North. This includes: Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside, walking down North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the Minnesota North Stars), weari ng North Face apparel or telling your children that Santa lives at the North Pole.

1 (B). I was born in Indianapolis before you were so I should really get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let you exist here only within the St. Michael's Parish boundary (MLK Dr. to High School Rd. and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will call this the SarahZone. This should be acceptable for you as your family lives across the street and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your place of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be made with my expressed written consent. You will be required to display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to travel beyond the SarahZone.

2. I haven't talked to your friends since we broke up. I think they got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't my friends anymore. Do you agree? _______Yes ________No ________Maybe

2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we visited some of my family friends on Geist. It was about eight years ago. We enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a pre-500 party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas, pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything else you consumed while you were there. I don't have their address anymore, you can look it up.

3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I'm going to run against him.

3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team in the winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in all things related to ice and ice hockey . You can use those instant first aid coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on. Also, my parents have been very involved with the Indianapolis 500 Festival for nearly 20 years. The month of May is really a big month for us. While I am not able to honor your request of moving out of Indianapolis, I would ask that you just leave town during May. With 250,000 fans going to the race and 35,000 runners in the Mini-Marathon, I don't want to run the risk of bumping into you. I know your birthday is in May, but man, I just don't care.

4. Christ, I don't have the energy for this one.

5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still talk to you, they are fucking fired as friends.

5 (B). I'm not going to tell my kids anything about you. But speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer.

In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my family based on whether I might run into you at the store. I am now convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will spontaneously combust. I wish you the best of luck in finding a spouse. Seriously. It won't be easy to find a person who is willing to spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a rational human being.

All my best,

Davey

• 3.69/5
• 5298
• 26
• 4/2/2006
• by tengotumadreenlacama

Video:

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A U of M Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

"Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

• 3.56/5
• 3216
• 25
• 11/9/2006
• by GregP

Video:

9 Reasons why xxoozero should shut the hell up.

9 Reasons why xxoozero should shut the hell up.

1. He has not done any of the 9 positions on his list "9 Sex Positions Every Man Should Know."

2. Number 6 on his "9 Reasons Why I Want to See Paris Hilton go to Jail" is somewhat ironic. If you are going to talk about Paris Hilton, then turn right around and say you want people to shut up about her. Your fucking stupid.

3. His advice is merely common sense; anyone with a keyboard and an IQ of 105 can write shit down. Seriously Zero, get a fucking life.

4. The retard claims to speak to ghosts. Enough said.

5. He thinks American Beer is the best in the world. I doubt that he has tried any other country's beer. I have and would like to say American beer is not better than Canadian beer, German beer, Belgian beer......etc.

6. Bush has a slightly greater intelligence level than Zero.

7. He does not know who Kurtwood Smith is, without google-ing it.

8. His name shows the world just how many girlfriends he has. Face it Zero, when you have never had a girlfriend, how can you give relationship advice?



9. I actually took the fucking time to write this shitty damn list.

Flashback

P.s. FUCK YOU ZERO!

• 3.86/5
• 2898
• 22
• 6/20/2007
• by Flashback

Video:

Little Johnny's Gambling Habits

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

• 4.18/5
• 3867
• 20
• 7/30/2006
• by John_T1

Video:

Magic Lamp

This is a joke an Uncle told me at my Dads wedding:

A Guy was walking down the street when he finds a magic lamp lying on the ground. He rubs the lamp and 2 genies pop out. “I am the Genie of the lamp!” said the bigger genie. “You Have 3 wishes.”

So the man makes his 3 wishes and goes on his way thinking that the wishes we just a bunch of bull sh*t. He stops at a bar on his way home and orders a few drinks. When it came time to pay for the drinks, the man opens his wallet to find that it’s full of money. His first wish came true; to always have a wallet full of money. So he buys the whole bar drinks for the entire night.

Since the first wish came true, the man decided to see if any other wish came true, so he walk up to the hottest chick in the bar, clearly out of his league, asks he if she wanted to come over to his place. She said that she’d love to. His second wish came true; to be able to seduce any woman into sleeping with him.

He takes her home and upon taking off his pants, he sees that he is still the same size he was before he made the wishes, so he tells himself that 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. He then proceeds to make love to her after which he falls asleep.

In the middle of the night, there was a loud banging at the front door, so the man gets up to investigate. When he opened the door there were to men standing there wearing KKK hoods and robes. They grabbed the man and took him into the woods where they hung him from a tree.

As the 2 men walked away, they removed their hoods and it turned out it was the 2 genies. The smaller genie looks up at the bigger one and said, “Dad, I understand why he made the first 2 wishes, but why would he want to be hung like a n*gger?”

• 4.01/5
• 3790
• 19
• 7/28/2006
• by Baal

Video:

Innocent Eyes

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment.........then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

• 3.61/5
• 3983
• 19
• 5/15/2006
• by JBchillin