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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!” Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”
a priest, a lawyer and a technician were lined up at the guillotine to be beheaded. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine. The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going." They placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the priest, so they let him go, thinking it was a miracle. The lawyer thought, "Well if it worked for the priest, it might work for me," so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the lawyer, who claimed he can't be executed twice for the same crime, so they let him go. The technician thought, "Well why not?" So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, "Wait a minute! If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Black holes are where God divided by zero. "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself." BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!! "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!" "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have." "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms" "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." "If you don't like the news, go out and make some." "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!" "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!" Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Editing is a rewording activity. Make yourself at home.....clean my kitchen Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy. I love animals, they taste great
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, and then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all SPLAT The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".