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An angry motorist went back to a garage where he`d purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn`t think your car would last longer than that."
Cletus walks into a building and goes up to a lady and says "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?" The lady looks at him dumbfounded and says, "Cletus, this is a library." So Cletus moves closer and whispers, "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?"
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it`s a poll-ice roadblock. We`re gonna get busted fer drinkin` these here beers!" "Don`t worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We`ll just pull over and finish drinkin` these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin`, okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin`?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We`re on the patch!"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can`t eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I`m looking for the seal."
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband`s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart`s desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I`d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! The husband turned 90!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Not sure because it never happens.
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. `Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?` she crooned. `Why not?` Al replied. `Didn`t I love you through four other shades?`
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend`s father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."
