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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I`m afraid I`m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog`s tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law`s arriving tomorrow, and I don`t want anything to make her think she`s welcome."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn`t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don`t park here, I`ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I`ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don`t give you a ticket, I`ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I`d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I`d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I`d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:" "Shall We Gather at the River."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We`re all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don`t have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don`t have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don`t have anything, you should close the store!" The manager shrugs, "Don`t have the key."
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, `cause I still have mine."
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client`s jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: "Manslaughter!" Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I`m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?" "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don`t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman. The results read, "Buy a television."
