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An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they`re escaping!" cries the visitor. "You`ve got to stop them." "Don`t worry, they`ll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o`clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I`m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don`t see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I`m in the secret service."
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor. The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown`s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." This news saddened the clown immensely. "I can`t play fetch with my dog!" said the clown, holding back tears. "Why not?" asked the doctor. The clown replied, "Don`t be silly! He can`t throw!"
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can`t get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That`s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That`s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Q: Why couldn`t Michael Jackson afford to keep Neverland Ranch? A: Because of soaring incest rates.
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day`s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I`m heading, I don`t think I ought to aggravate anybody."
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I`m a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him about sex. Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He covers a wide and varied assortment of topics and sub topics and by the time he`s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs.
