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Q: Why doesn`t Jesus like M&Ms A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews. One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers` deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi`s honesty and integrity, the temple`s membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words." After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don`t want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I`m not hungry! I don`t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it`s that time of the month."
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil`s hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I`ll let you pick your own room from three I`ll show you," the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don`t like that," said the man. "Show me the second." In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that`s better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third." In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I`ll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I`m rechecking my answers."
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky`s face dropped as the guest called out, "It`s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma`s hairs are white?"
1. When you get pulled over, say "What`s wrong, ossifer, there`s no blood in my alcohol!" 2. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70. 3. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet. 4. Trip and fall into him. 5. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 6. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 7. Try to sell him your car. 8. Ask if you can buy his car. 9. Tell him you like men in uniform. 10. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation. Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood. Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?" One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet. "So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?" "No, sir", the man replied, "I`m just standing for my wife`s first husband!"
A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman. She looked the man sternly and said, "I`ve got news for you young man - you`re going straight to hell!" The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I`m on the wrong bus!"
