Video:
These are only recommended if you are going to fail the class anyway!
1.Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get
cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3.If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and
symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4.Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If
asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the
instructor is.
6.Bring cheerleaders.
7.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand
ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's
the regular guy?"
8.Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9.On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For
example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.
10.Be creative.
11.Bring pets.
12.Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say
"They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
13.Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air
and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the
first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
14.Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe,
a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15.Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try
using Roman numerals.
17.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19.Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam.
Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the
profits if they are allowed to stay.
20.Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21.Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22.Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24.Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "F*** this!" and walk
out triumphantly.
25.Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done,
they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26.Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start
crying for mommy).
27.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone,
"the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28.Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29.Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling
"I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30.Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the
instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
to take the exam.
31.Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my
time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32.Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33.From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to
stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34.Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35.If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and
imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36.Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37.Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed,
because you have bad circulation.
38.Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus
exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the
comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39.When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40.After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out
of him/her. One word: Wrestlemania.
41.Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
42.Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
43.Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
44.Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
45.Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46.Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the
exam.
47.During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48.Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49.Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think."
Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don`t forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50.Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
Video:
Not really, funy, but yeah...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew?, Who cares!)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
Video:
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
Video:
A man is out fishing and realizes he was supposed to be home an hour ago. He jumps in his car and speeds away, checking his watch as he zooms over a small bridge. After crossing the bridge, he looks in his rear view mirror, only to see flashing blue and red lights. Swearing to himself, he pulls to the side of the road.
The state trooper gets out of his car, walks up to the man's window and says, "I caught you on radar doing forty-five at the end of that bridge. The speed limit is thirty-five. Can I see your license?"
As the man hands his license to the trooper, he says, "Can't you give me a warning? I was late for work."
The trooper takes that license, starts to writes the ticket and says, "Sorry, the law is the law. What do you do for a living?
"I'm a rectum stretcher," the man replies.
"A WHAT??" the cop asks incredulously.
"A rectum stretcher," the man replies. "I go to people's houses when they need to be stretched. I start with one finger, then go to two, then three and four. then a whole hand. Then two hands. Then I pull my hands apart until it is a full six feet across."
The cop, whose jaw has dropped in amazement, peers over his sunglasses and asks, "What are you supposed to do with a six foot asshole?"
"Give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."
Video:
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
