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if you are indeed a webcam nerd, you will probably know about it but if you are spending more and more time online and becoming more, well, nerdy – there are 20 ways to tell if you are indeed a true technosexual. stop worrying and read on. if you can identify with 10 or more of the following, you are indeed a webcam nerd. if not, you still have a way to go!
1. if all your girlfriends can be found mainly online, this is a major giveaway. does your girlfriend visit your house and do you take her out on dates or is she safely ensconced behind the screen of your monitor?
2. your glasses tend to steam up with anticipation every time you sit at your desk. this happens even if you were just planning a quick game of doom or a visit to the star trek fan site. think of pavlov’s dog and you will realize why. you cannot think of your computer without thinking of one of your girlfriends. try contact lenses or laser eye surgery to correct the steam problem.
3. you have your own webcam and you know all the technical specifications by heart. you bought the best webcam on the market so you could conduct steamy cam to cam sessions with the ladies online. ahh, the joys of virtual love.
4. you wear t shirts on your cam to cam chats with such intelligent slogans as, “there are just 10 sorts of people in this world, those who understand binary and those that don’t”. you can count this as a yes if you understood that line without having to think about it. in fact, if you own more than ten t shirts with geeky sayings on, you score double for this question.
5. your girlfriends claim to be laughing ‘with’ you not ‘at’ you even though you don’t remember making any jokes or saying anything remotely funny. (hey, maybe it was the binary t shirt). they sure do have a great sense of humour on the secretfriends site!
6. when you speak to a female in real life, you do any of the following:
• blush
• stutter
• break out into a cold sweat
• break out into a hot sweat
• run for the hills
• giggle inanely
• hyperventilate
your mum and gran are exceptions.
7. your girlfriends seem to have unusual names, such as fistgoddess, bonesucker and bigboobbarbie. hmm, i bet they got teased at school.
8. if your computer breaks, crashes or gets a virus or there is a power cut which wipes out the electricity for longer than thirty seconds, you fluctuate between mild panic and total hysteria. being a nerd, of course, you can successfully remove any computer viruses but being unable to get online for any length of time can leave you feeling anxious and greatly in need of your next webcam fix.
9. look at your internet “favourites” folder – what do you see? if you can get to a webcam site, a star trek fan site or a quantum physics site with merely the click of a mouse button, you score a yes here. and because you can conduct steamy sessions for free, your cam sites feature at the very top of the list so you don’t exert yourself too much by having to scroll down.
10. do the sexy girls at peekshow or privatefeeds recognize you and call you by your first name when you enter their chatrooms? do they look ecstatic to see you – could you be their best customer? do you spend longer in their chatrooms than you do eating or working or sleeping? this qualifies you for a point. you are heading down the slippery slope of addiction.
11. do your friends go out more than you? this could involve going to cinemas, pubs or clubs or on dates. score a point if you stay at home while they go out having fun. score two if you have no friends.
12. you plan your daily activities (watching star wars, ironing your t shirts, nanotechnology experiments etc) around the schedules of your favourite girlfriends being online. some of the spread4u girls do keep strange hours!
13. do you attempt to speak, read or write any non-traditional language when in your cam to cam chats? for example, klingon, tolkien’s elvish or esperanto. or perhaps your girlfriend is too distracted by your themed wallpaper and matching bedding (star trek, disney characters or vintage cars) to pay all that much attention to your words.
14. do you frequently get called a nerd, geek or dork? there are subtle differences in these terms. for example, a nerd has an above average intelligent and does not care too much about physical appearance. or perhaps you are more of a geek. a geek is somebody who is very interested in technology, perhaps a computer programmer or scientist. a geek is the kind of person you tease at school but end up working for later in life. a dork is someone of below average intelligence who is also not a brad pitt lookalike. if you match one of those descriptions plus spend a lot of time online with the loves of your life, that point is yours.
15. do you spend more that 50% of your online time not working? does smoke have to come out of the back of your monitor before you think of shutting the machine down? are your eyes square and your tv covered in dust from lack of being watched? this is definitely an indication of your technosexuality.
16. do you own a telescope, a microscope, every episode of star trek, a graphing calculator or a scientific calculator? score one point for each one. score two extra points if you have the periodic table blu-tacked to the wall next to a printout of your favourite online girlfriend.
17. if you enjoy shopping at radio shack, you could well be a nerd. if the radio shack workers know you by name, you are probably a nerd. if you bought your webcam equipment (and a pair of speakers so you can converse with your webcam girlfriends) you are certainly a nerd.
18. have you ever spent christmas day or new year’s eve chatting online to one of your girlfriends rather than celebrating properly with your family or friends? what about your birthday? if a private steamy one to one session at amsterdamlivexxx is the best birthday present to yourself you could think of you are heading for the title of king webcam nerd.
19. when you have a problem, who do you talk to? your best mate, your mother, your psychiatrist or the pretty blonde on the other side of your monitor who nods sympathetically and makes comforting sounds in all the right places even though her english is limited to yes, no and me love you long time?
20. so, to sum it all up, have a look in the mirror to see who is looking back at you. a true webcam nerd will have square eyes from staring at the screen for too long without blinking, unfashionable glasses (probably steamed up), a t shirt with an interesting catchphrase on, a pair of immaculately pressed jeans with the creases down the front, white socks and rsi of the wrist from… using the mouse all day long!
