Upgrade your browser!

Skip to Content

Search Spikedhumor

Search in   

Search Results for “things”

There are 247 results.

  • You are currently searching All Media

Video:Thing Thing 3

thing thing 3

an action packed shooter game. shoot your opponents using your mouse and press 'e' to switch your weapon and w, a, s and d to move.

Video:Thing - Thing 2 (Updated Version)

thing - thing 2 (updated version)

this is the updated version of thing - thing 2.

Video:Thing-Thing 4

thing-thing 4

the next chapter in the thing-thing saga! for those of you having lag issues, you can change the graphics quality in the pause/options menu.

Video:Germans Who Say Nice Things

germans who say nice things

the delicate, yet efficient german language.

Video:The Thing: Spider-Head

the thing: spider-head

john carpenter`s the thing at its best.

Video:The Streets - Let's Push Things Forward

the streets - let's push things forward

as requested by some. let's push things forward.

Video:Mr. Shhh - Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead

mr. shhh - things to do in denver when you're dead

a short clip from "things to do in denver when you're dead" (1995). a great offbeat film starring steve buscemi, andy garcia and christopher walken.

Video:Top 10 Weirdest Things You Can Buy at Amazon.com

top 10 weirdest things you can buy at amazon.com

in a digital world with infinite shelf space, companies like amazon.com have realized that they can sell just about infinitely original (and infinitely weird) products to an infinite amount of niche markets. not only does this bring in tons of profit for amazon, but it also provides the rest of us with tons of super weird products to chuckle over while we slave away at our computers. enjoy some of the weirder things i’ve been able to find on amazon.

10. ultimate anal douche hygienic system (now with easy to clean rectal syringe!)

for all your anal douching needs!

9. anti-monkey butt powder

apparently there is a big enough need for anti-chaffing “monkey butt” powder that they are still in business. god bless ‘em.

8. unisex gothic fairy lingerie

the best part of this product is the title that includes “it’s a secret!” as if any dude who walks into your bedroom wearing gothic fairy lingerie could possibly pass as a sexy mama. yow.

7. fresh whole rabbit

ummm… maybe this one isn’t quite as weird to others as it is to me, but the diea of ordering an entire dead rabbit online and having it shipped to your house makes me feel like there must be some kind of large hillbilly market that is secretly controlling amazon.

6. the toilet monster

i guess this thing is supposed to be used as a practical joke, or something. i don’t know though, i feel like if i picked up the toilet seat in my apartment and saw that thing, i’d just silently go pack my bags and leave forever.

5. relaxman relaxation capsule

wow, i don’t know how many of you have ever seen the movie altered states, but this sounds like a one way ticket to going crazy. you lock yourself in, it’s sound proof, light proof, and heat proof and the mattress is body temperature. terrifying.

4. dagobert wooden toilet throne

i don’t even care how weird this is, this is literally the coolest thing i have ever seen.

3. iss (it’s so simple) mouse trap

the iss mouse trap is literally just a plank of wood and a bucket. the idea is that the mouse run up the plank of wood and fall into the bucket. ingenious!!!!!

2. uranium ore

well, technically i’m not a scientist, but the fact that the description says that this is actual radioactive uranium ore kind of makes me a little bit… uneasy. uneasy and extremely excited. imagine bringing this to bars?! you’d get so many chicks!

1. jl421 badonkadonk land cruiser/tank

the jl421 badonkadonk tank is an amazon classic that can’t be dethroned (no offense to the toilet throne). the fact that you can actually purchase a landcruiser/armored tank on the internet just proves that no matter what the product is, there is someone out there willing to buy it. enjoy

source: thefeck.com

Video:Another 101 Things Removed From The Human Body

another 101 things removed from the human body

more weird stuff taken out of people.

Video:9 Things I Hate About America

9 things i hate about america

1. anti-marijuana laws
people should be allowed to smoke weed in peace. it’s not dangerous. why is it even illegal? good question; one that doesn’t have a good answer. bush used cocaine, why can’t we smoke a little pot? hypocrisy maybe… or could it be someone still dabbles with the white girl a bit...

2. texas
most of the bad image america gets from the rest of the world comes from texas. that’s where bush surfaced from. troy aikman too. i had a friend once that came from texas. his name was john and he was the biggest jackass i have ever known in my life. he was so racist he even hated white people. when i contemplate the fact that guys like that have figured out ways to travel abroad, i no longer wonder why the world hates us. we all know someone like that.

3. fat chicks
i’m sick of these fat women thinking they are somehow hot. statistically speaking they are the largest group of women in the world. being a part of the group with the fattest of asses is nothing to be proud of. these women need to stop ruining our landscape with their fatness and start exercising for the good of america. show some team spirit.

4. religious republicans
all these folks should be euthanized for the good of society. nice, quickly, and quietly; no need for errant swordplay. we can have a picnic for them; a parade, a nice big send off… it will be good. there are a lot of them lurking so it will get rid of a full half of our government. then all we need to do is figure out how to get rid of the other half. maybe an old-fashioned royal rumble…

5. baseball
i have been a dodger fan since i was knee-high to a grasshopper. i have still never been able to sit through an entire baseball game without falling asleep. sometimes i wonder if people are watching the game or just looking at the nice grass in the outfield. it is a sad day for a sport when the craftsmanship of the lawn maintenance crew is more exciting than america’s so-called “pastime”.

6. political correctness
it seems more words and phrases become scorned each day. everyone is so god damn sensitive these days. you’re all too paranoid. religions are the worst about this. maybe i’m just not paying enough attention, but i can’t tell the difference between a jew, xtian, or muslim just by looking at them. i wait until they start telling me about their religions before i fart really loud and walk away.

7. draconian smoking laws
i don’t know about the rest of you, but where i live in colorado smoking is not allowed in public places. this includes bars. i can see not allowing smoking at the preschool or emergency room, but a building where folks congregate to get shitfaced? if one is worried about second hand smoke, why are they not worried about first hand liver damage? only in america would these people not be sent to france.

8. our travel options
americans can’t go anywhere cool nowadays. want to see the pyramids? better watch out for terrorists who will kidnap you for your head. don’t even think about visiting a muslim country unless you want to be the next guy named nick who gets his head chopped off for the entire internet to see. thanks, bush administration.

9. our leadership
one can never be quite sure who is behind all the bad decisions. maybe it is bush and his cronies. maybe it’s mister x or doctor evil. maybe it’s some guy we have never even heard of. whoever it is, only one thing is for sure: they broke everything. if only the good folks at elmer’s made glue that could fix a busted government.

one last thing : if this top nine list made you so angry you feel the need to insult the author… good.

Video:The Presidential Candidates...9 Things About Them

the presidential candidates...9 things about them

1. mccain hates net neutrality
the record shows his position. whatever happens, we can not let this man get into the oval office. he hates everything we, as internet users, stand for. his ignorance to the value of a free internet makes him a dangerous man. he is the type to sign a bill banning the internet without knowing anything of the consequences except that he made some special interest group happy. if it is possible to do worse than bush, mccain is the man who can find out.

2. vegas has 3 to 1 odds on hillary
seriously. the bookies in vegas have calculated the odds and the crazy clinton chick is the favorite. it’s as if the entire circus was a horse race and not the greatest democracy in the world choosing its leader. i wonder if the betting windows will be open election night? even worse, i wonder what kind of sad, lonely soul reduces himself to betting on elections… that was before i started seriously considering it.

3. speaking of clintons…
since 1980, every single presidential election we have had has included either a bush or a clinton on the ticket. 2008 will make it 28 consecutive years this has happened. that means every american under 50 never had the chance to vote in an election without one of those two names present somewhere on the ballot. six out of seven times, whichever name it has ended up to be has won the election. the one exception is when clinton beat bush in 92, which is only really half an exception.

4. giuliani married his cousin
of course it was annulled... after at least five but not more than fourteen years. how long he was married to her and whether she is the second or third cousin is in dispute. however, none of that really matters. acts like this should disqualify a man from ever becoming president of the united states and leader of the free world. there should be little ban cards we hand out. “here, take this… you slept with your cousin; you can never be president.”

5. ron paul’s daughter is a gynecologist
ron paul was himself once a gynecologist. he has been to places most of us have only had nightmares about. he faced down the worst of vaginas and to this day his kids are keeping up the good fight. if we ever had a vaginal emergency in the white house and he was around, i’ll bet he saves the day.

6. obama is one of the greatest speakers in history
it is nearly impossible to hate barack obama. his speeches are borderline greatness. he is hands-down the most charismatic of the group. he may trail clinton in the polls now, but he is going to own her in the debates. (funny story; while writing this, i got a red line under the word “obama”. microsoft word insists i meant “osama”. coincidence, or hidden anti-obama propaganda? you decide…)

7. nader?
of course he is going to run. even if he hasn’t announced it; everyone can see it coming. he is, of course, also not going to win. just like guys who marry their cousins, guys who don’t comb their hair can’t be president. he does get a lot of young people to register to vote, which is a good thing… even if he can’t get any of them to off the couch and actually vote for him.

8. google hates john edwards
check out the google search for ”john edwards”. he gets three links before some other guy takes over the rest of the page. poor john. first he loses an election to a leader everyone hates then he loses half a google page to some guy who claims to talk to dead people. not to mention his wife has some kind of cancer. his luck is not good. if he did get elected the world would blow up the very next day.

9. al gore will not run against hillary
however, that doesn’t mean he is going to pass on this election all-together. hillary is going to need a running mate, and al has worked for the clinton's before. the two would make a powerhouse ticket the republicans would be short-handed to beat. al gore is pissed off he got robbed in 2000. count on him to begin taking his revenge by screwing the gop in 08.

Video:John Carpenter`s The Thing - The Blood Test

john carpenter`s the thing - the blood test

great scene from a classic film.

Video:10 Things You Shouldn't Do Before Sex

10 things you shouldn't do before sex

dan clark's guide to dating, 10 things you shouldn't do before sex.

Video:Sale Sign: Dead Peoples Things

sale sign: dead peoples things

rather insensitive.

Video:Wonderful Slippery Thing by Guthrie Govan

wonderful slippery thing by guthrie govan

after seeing the latest uploads of buckethead i thought, why not show them some guthrie govan?

Video:Wild Thing

wild thing

sam kinison and a whole crew of talent perform this classic.

Video:10 Things You Never Knew About Chocolate

10 things you never knew about chocolate

10 things you didn't know about chocolate. thanks to ratbstard for the pictures.

Video:Major League - Wild Thing

major league - wild thing

with the game tied 2-2 and the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, cleveland indians rookie pitcher "wild thing" ricky vaughn takes the mound to strike out yankees big-hitter haywood.

Video:Things Behind the Sun by Nick Drake

things behind the sun by nick drake

one of my favorite nick drake songs.

Video:Filter: The Best Things

filter: the best things

from the album "title of record" (1999).

Video:Chris Cornell - No Such Thing

chris cornell - no such thing

from chris cornell's new solo album "carry on".

Video:25 Things The Perfect Woman Would Say

25 things the perfect woman would say

like the title says it's alist of 25 things the perfect woman would say to any man. with the music of tenacious d - f*ck her gently.

Video:Funny things people said. Part 1

funny things people said. part 1

menus:

* "ham and cheese - $2.50. cheese and ham - $2.90." -- on a menu.
* "our whipped butter is made with margarine." -- on a menu.
* "7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings." -- on a menu.

* "we dare you burger for two (served on a stretcher) - a whole loaf of crunchy french bread running end to end with broiled hamburger topped with melted yellow american cheese, lettuce, and tomato. accompanied by a mound of french fried potatoes, red pepper relish, ketchup, and pickle wedges. delivered to your table by two waitresses on a stretcher." -- on a menu

signs:

* "open seven days a week. closed sundays." -- on the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.

* "parking for drive-through customers only." -- a sign at a mcdonald's in california.

* "we are handicapped - friendly. for example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- a notice in a restaurant.

* "eat here - get gas" -- a sign at a gas station.

* "hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- a sign on a cafe.

* "you can't beat our meat!" -- a sign on a restaurant, now closed.

* "our infamous steaks" -- a sign at a restaurant in raleigh, nc.<

* "now hiring / sausage biscuits / $1" -- a sign at a mcdonald's.

* "now hiring / two french dips / for two dollars." -- a sign at an arby's in north bend, washington.

* "please consume all food on premises." -- a sign at a souplantation restaurant.

quotes:

* "is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- asked of a waitress.

* "just the chicken." -- the response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.

* "would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.

* "do you want cheese on that?" -- asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.

* "you want fries with that?" -- asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.

* "do you want onions on that?" -- a waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.

* "is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"

* "do you get rice with your fried rice?"

* "i'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- a waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.

* "would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- a waitress.

* "which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.

* "do you want that in a bag?" -- asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.

* "is this for here or to go?" -- asked of a dairy queen customer at a drive-through window.

* "what's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"

* "what's the difference?" -- asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.

* "sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- a waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.

* "how many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"

* "how much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"

* "is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"

* "is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"

* "would you like the sale price?" -- a fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.

* "that's not an animal. it's a mammal." -- cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.

* "does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- a customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.

* "excuse me. these ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- a customer at a bakery cafe.

* "don't you guys have them 99 cent whoppers?" -- asked of a taco bell cashier.

* "this is to go." -- commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.

* "i'd like a large pepsi pizza." -- a customer ordering pizza over the phone. after saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "wait, chuck, is that right?"

  • Votes 3.7544/5
  • Views 1410
  • Comments 2
  • Date 7/16/2007
  • by demon

Video:Funny things people said. Part 2

funny things people said. part 2

restaurant anecdotes:

i am english and drink hot tea as opposed to coffee. my husband and i visited a fast food restaurant in america, and i asked a waitress if they had any hot tea.

* me: "do you have hot tea?"
< * her: "well, it is not very warm...but...."
* me: "no i mean do you have hot water and a tea bag?"
* her: "yes."
* me: "so you can make me hot tea."
* her: "well i can put a cup of iced tea in the microwave for you."
* me: "no, just give me a cup of hot water and a tea bag, and i will make my own."
* her: "do you want ice in the cup?"

once when i went to mcdonald's, i saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 chicken mcnuggets. i asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"we don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"you don't?" i replied.

"we only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"so i can't order a half dozen nuggets, but i can order six?"

"that's right."

so i shook my head and ordered six mcnuggets.

while ordering chinese food to be delivered, i asked, as a joke, if the deep fried gizzards were beef or pork. the lady on the other end had me wait while she looked it up, but couldn't find it. she then asked several other employees, none of whom knew.

i overheard the following conversation at a friendly's restaurant:

* girl: "boy, i'm really parched."
* boy: "yeah, i'm full too!"

a pizza-and-sub takeout recently opened near me. when i got the menu, i decided that i would try the hamburger sub that was listed, so i called.

* me: "i'd like to place an order for pickup."
* him: "certainly, sir. what would you like to have?"
* me: "i'd like the hamburger sub, please."
* him: "excuse me, the hamburger sub?"
* me: "yes."
* him: "i'm sorry, but we don't have hamburger."
* me: "it's right here on the menu."
* him: "we don't have hamburger."

this went on a few times, until finally i asked for a cheeseburger sub without the cheese. he was happy to sell me that.

i used to work at an arby's. in the two years i worked there, the dumbest customer by far has been one that apparently never succeeded at first grade math.

* me: "that will be $12.69, please."
* him: "ok. here you go."

he handed me a $10 bill. thinking that this was just a mistake, that maybe he meant to give me a $20, i said:

* me: "this is a $10 bill."
* him: "yeah, i know."
* me: "the total is $12.69."
* him: "i gave you a 10. that's enough."
* me: "i need $2.69 more. the total is $12.69."
* him: (annoyed) "it's all there! i gave you a 10!"
* me: "no. i need $2.69 more."
* him: "i gave you a 10!"
* me: "i know. the total is $12.69! i need another $2.69!"

this situation kept on going for a good four or five minutes, when something really wrong happened. i just had him on the verge of giving me a $50 bill, when a manager changed the price to make it less than $10. after i told the customer that, he said:

* him: "darn kids don't know how to do math these days."

i suppose the moral of the story is act dumb, even if you aren't, and rewards will follow.

one day, this lady brought in an arby-q sandwich because she didn't like it and she wanted her money back. that would be fine if it weren't for the fact that my arby's stopped selling those a month ago, and that the sandwich was black and moldy. it was one of the grossest things i have ever seen in my life.

* me: "i'd like a small coffee shake and nothing else."
* clerk: "anything else?"
* me: "uh...a cup?"

this happened at a local fried chicken shack.

* customer: "i'll have a half dozen chicken nuggets."
* waitress: "i'm sorry, we don't have a half dozen. you can only order six, nine, or twelve."
* customer: "well, ok, i'll have six then."
this has happened to me with two different people now.
i had a craving for french fries one day, so i pulled up to the drive-thru of mcdonald's.

* me: "i'd like a large french fries please."
* clerk: "would you like fries with that?"

i got sort of confused at this one and told him no. he told me to pull ahead, so i did, and then he asked me why i was sitting there.

* clerk: "i thought you didn't want fries."
* me: "no, i ordered a large french fries."
* clerk: "ok. do you want fries with that?"

since saying no the last time had gotten me nothing, i figured i'd better say yes this time.

he gave me two large fries.

  • Votes 3.9426/5
  • Views 1247
  • Comments 7
  • Date 7/16/2007
  • by demon

The Spikedhumor Drawing!Drawing Coming Soon!
Prize
Entry Dates: 9/8/2007-9/14/2009

From Our Sponsors