Search Results for “telemarketer”
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Video:
1. if they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. if they start out with, "how are you today?" say, "i'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and i have all these problems. my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . "
3. if they say they're john doe from xyz company, ask them to spell their name. then ask them to spell the company name. then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. this works great if you are male. telemarketer: "hi, my name is judy and i'm with xyz company." you: wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "what are you wearing?"
5. cry out in surprise, "judy? is that you? oh my god! judy, how have you been?" hopefully, this will give judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. say "no" over and over. be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. this is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. if mci calls trying to get you to sign up for the family and friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "i don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. if the company cleans rugs, respond: "can you get out blood? can you get out goat blood? how about human blood?"
9. after the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. when they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. answer the phone. as soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "oh my god!" and then hang up.
12. tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. when the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "i guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" the telemarketer will agree and you say, "me either!" hang up.
13. ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. tell the telemarketer, "okay, i'll listen to you. but i should probably tell you, i'm not wearing any clothes."
18. insist that the caller is really your buddy leon, playing a joke. "come on, leon, cut it out! seriously, leon, how's your momma?"
19. tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
Video:
one thing that has always bugged me, and i'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.
i decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. the call was from at&t and it went something like this: (swallowing)
- me: hello
- at&t: hello, this is at&t...
- me: is this at&t?
- at&t: yes, this is at&t...
- me: this is at&t?
- at&t: yes this is at&t...
- me: is this at&t?
- at&t: yes! this is at&t, may i speak to mr. byron please?
- me: may i ask who is calling?
- at&t: this is at&t.
- me: ok, hold on.
at this point i put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. i ate my salad. much to my surprise, when i picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
- me: hello?
- at&t: is this mr. byron?
- me: may i ask who is calling please?
- at&t: yes this is at&t...
- me: is this at&t?
- at&t: yes this is at&t...
- me: this is at&t?
- at&t: yes, is this mr. byron?
- me: yes, is this at&t?
- at&t: yes sir.
- me: the phone company?
- at&t: yes sir.
- me: i thought you said this was at&t.
- at&t: yes sir, we are a phone company.
- me: i already have a phone.
- at&t: we aren't selling phones today mr. byron.
- me: well whatever it is, i'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
when you are not interested in something, i don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "i'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.
- at&t: mr. byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. now, i am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." i could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
- me: now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
- at&t: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) yes
- sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
- me: 7 days a week?
- at&t: that's right.
- me: 365 days a year?
- at&t: yes sir.
- me: i am definitely interested in that! wow!!! that's amazing!
- at&t: we think so!
- me: that's quite a sum of money!
- at&t: yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
- me: ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can i get a cash advance?
- at&t: excuse me?
- me: you know, the 10 cents a minute.
- at&t: what are you talking about?
- me: you said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. that comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. i'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
- at&t: oh no, sir, i didn't mean we'd be paying you. you pay us 10 cents a minute.
- me: wait a minute here!!! didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? are you sure this is at&t?
- at&t: well, yes this is at&t sir but......
- me: but nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that i'll give you 10 cents a minute? is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? i've read about things like this in the enquirer, you know. don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
- at&t: no sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
- me: there you go again! can i speak to a supervisor please!
- at&t: sir, i don't think that is necessary.
- me: sure! you say that now! what happens later?
- at&t: what?
- me: i insist on speaking to a supervisor!
- at&t: yes mr. byron. please hold.
so now at&t has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. i begin to eat while i'm waiting for a supervisor. after a wait of a few minutes and while i have a mouth full of food:
- supervisor: mr. byron?
- me: yeth?
- supervisor: i understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
- me: id thish ath teeth & teeth?
- supervisor: yes sir, it sure is.
i had to swallow before i choked on my food. it was all i could do to suppress my laughter and i had to be careful not to produce a snort.
- me: no, actually, i was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that i could sign up for the plan.
- supervisor: ok, no problem, i'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
- me: thank you.
i was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. i needed to end this conversation. suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
- at&t: hello mr. byron, i understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
- me: do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and i'm an only child and i'd really like to have a little brother...
- at&t: (click)
Video:
when they ask "how are you today?" tell them! "i'm
so glad you asked because no one these days seems to
care, and i have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
if they say they're john doe from xyz company, ask
them to spell their name. then ask them to spell the
company name. then ask them where it is located.
continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
cry out in surprise, "judy! is that you? oh my god!
judy, how have you been?" hopefully, this will give judy
a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out
where the hell she could know you from.
if mci calls trying to get you to sign up for the family
and friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can,
"i don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
if they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
them if they will give you their home phone number so you
can call them back. when the telemarketer explains that they
cannot give out their home number, you say "i guess you don't
want anyone bothering you at home, right?" the telemarketer
will agree and you say, "now you know how i feel!"
insist that the caller is really your buddy leon, playing a joke.
"come on leon, cut it out! seriously, leon, how's ya been?"
tell them to talk v-e-r-y v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, because
you want to write down every word.
