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another great song by remy about turbo tax. get your taxes done early!
the deadline for filing their tax returns finds dan and roseanne down at the irs to clear up a 1099.
april 9th 2008, how are your taxes being used?
cheated on your taxes? not reported income? taken illegal deductions? we can help! the obama administration is now appointing tax cheats like you to high government office!
one wants a boat, the other wants 80's hair implants for an 80's cover band. what will they do with their tax refund.
at the end of the tax year, the tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. while he was checking the books, he turned to the rabbi and said, "i notice you buy a lot of candles. what do you do with the candle drippings?" "good question," noted the rabbi. "we save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. but on he went, in his obnoxious way: "what about all these biscuit purchases? what do you do with the crumbs?" "ah, yes," replied the rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "we collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "i see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all rabbi. "well, rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "here, too, we do not waste," answered the rabbi. "what we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
one day, this man, tony, died. when he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. he asked what he did and god told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. so off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. as he was walking along, he saw his friend carlos up ahead. carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. when he approached carlos he asked him what was going on, and carlos replied "i cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more than you did."
they both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. now tony, carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when tony and carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend mike up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel.
stunned, tony and carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend mike. they asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these awful women. mike replied "i have no idea, and i'm definitely not complaining. this has been absolutely the best time of my life (and i'm dead!) and i have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to!
there is only one thing that i can't seem to understand. after every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "damned income taxes!"
washington — acting swiftly, the democratic-led house approved a bill thursday to slap punishing taxes on big employee bonuses at firms bailed out by taxpayers. the bill would impose a 90 percent tax on bonuses given to employees with family incomes above $250,000 at american international group and other companies that have received at least $5 billion in government bailout money. "we want our money back now for the taxpayers," house speaker nancy pelosi said. democrats led the charge in an attempt to get in front of raging public anger over the aig bonuses, even though a provision that would have made such payouts illegal was stripped from last month's $787 billion stimulus bill by its democratic sponsors. the vote to tax back most of the bonuses was 328-93. voting "yes" were 243 democrats and 85 republicans. it was opposed by six democrats and 87 republicans. the bonuses, totaling $165 million, were paid to employees of troubled insurer aig over the weekend, including to traders in the unit that nearly brought about the company's collapse. clickity for more
funded and approved by the us department of treasury in 1943, this disney featurette called "the new spirit" was to encourage every good american to do his "duty" and pay his taxes, which, at this time, were at an all time high. those who do not wish to pay or don't pay it gladly are depicted as friends of hitler and enemies of liberty and democracy. contrary to what has been stated on other posts of this film, it was never "banned" by anyone. not only was it approved by the treasury secretary, it received an academy award nomination for "best documentary feature." even president roosevelt himself had a hand in approving donald duck as the main character.
the madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "may i help you?" she asked. "i want to see natalie," the man replied. "sir, natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "no. i must see natalie," was the man's reply. just then, natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to natalie, and they went upstairs. after an hour, the man calmly left. the next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see natalie. natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. the price was still $1,000. again the man pulled out the money, gave it to natalie and they went upstairs. after an hour, he left. the following night the man was there again. everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid natalie and they went upstairs. after their session, natalie questioned the man. "no one has ever used me three nights in a row. where are you from?" she asked. the man replied, "louisiana" "really" she said. "i have family in louisiana." "i know," the man said. "your father died, and i am your sister's attorney. she asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." the moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. death 2. taxes 3. being screwed by a lawyer
the madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"may i help you?" she asked.
"i want to see natalie," the man replied.
"sir, natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"no. i must see natalie," was the man's reply. just then, natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to natalie, and they went upstairs. after an hour, the man calmly left.
the next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see natalie. natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. the price was still $1,000.
again the man pulled out the money, gave it to natalie and they went upstairs. after an hour, he left.
the following night the man was there again. everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid natalie and they went upstairs.
after their session, natalie questioned the man.
"no one has ever used me three nights in a row. where are you from?" she asked.
the man replied, "louisiana"
"really" she said. "i have family in louisiana."
"i know," the man said. "your father died, and i am your sister's attorney. she asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
the moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. death
2. taxes
3. being screwed by a lawyer
picked up this flyer in a restaurant near my college.
complete episode from season 7 of penn & teller's show 'bullshit'. september 25, 2009
this time featuring bigoted stereotypical remarks from genine gorafalo, still cant understand why fox did a complete 180 from their stance on the constitution just 3 or 4 years ago when it was "just a goddamned piece of paper"
don't stop here.
more poll tax riot footage.
watch out canada, it's tax time.
department of the treasury internal revenue service washington, d.c. to: all male taxpayers re: notice of increase of tax payment form 1040 - p the only thing that the irs has not taxed yet is your penis. this is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. on top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts. accordingly, as of april 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. to determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the standard form 1040. 10-16 inches luxury tax $50.00 8-10 inches pole tax $30.00 5-8 inches privilege tax $15.00 4-5 inches nuisance tax $5.00 please note: anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. please do not ask for an extension!!!!!! additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under capital gains. sincerely, peter checker internal revenue service
hank helps brent's dad stay one step ahead of the tax auditor and everyone gets a lesson in proper article use.
the bit where he has to do the tax returns.
stand-up comedy by lewis black. he's talking about tax rebates, and common sense.
a fine is a tax for doing something wrong. a tax is a fine for doing something right.
dear internal revenue service: enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that i owe $3,407.00 in taxes. please note the attached article from the usa today newspaper, dated 12 november, wherein you will see the pentagon (department of defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and nasa has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. i am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which i secured at home depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "presidential election fund," as noted on my return. you can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " phillips head screw (see aforementioned article from usa today newspaper detailing how h.u.d. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" phillips head screws). one screw is enclosed for your convenience. it has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and i look forward to paying it again next year. sincerely, a satisfied taxpayer
dear irs, enclosed is my tax return & payment. please take note of the attached article from the usa today newspaper. in the article, you will see that the pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and nasa has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). this brings my total payment to $3,429.00. please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "presidential election fund," as noted on my return. might i suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (see attached article...hud paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.) it has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and i look forward to paying it again next year. i just saw an article about the pentagon and "screwdrivers."
article submitted by gremwood. london - britain's high court has ruled that pringles are not a potato snack, and thus are not subject to value-added tax. the ruling by justice nicholas warren is expected to save millions for the manufacturer, procter and gamble co. warren overruled a vat tribunal decision that pringles should be subject to the 17.5-per cent tax because it met the definition of "potato crisps, potato sticks, potato puffs and similar products made from the potato, or from potato flour, or from potato starch." the judge found that pringles were only 42 per cent potato, and thus exempt. source,source
