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richard dawkins says he will spend his retirement writing a book for children. the former professor of the public understanding of science at oxford university wants to find out if fantasy stories affect their readers' abilities to think rationally.
the navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. they promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. the officers got to choose what those two points would be.
the first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. he was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
the second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. he walked out with $96,000.
the third one was a grizzly old captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." it was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. but the old captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
the medical officer arrived and instructed the captain to "drop em", which he did. the medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the captain's penis and began to work back.
"my god!" he suddenly exclaimed, "where are your testicles?"
the captain calmly replied..."in vietnam."
a priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. a leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"i got my first impression of the parish from the first confession i heard here. i thought i had been assigned to a terrible place. the very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave vd to his sister. i was appalled. but as the days went on i knew that my people were not all like that and i had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. he immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "i'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "in fact, i had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
moral: don't ever be late.
one of the greatest tennis players of all time bids farewell.
thank god you’re here is based on a simple premise: get a group of well known performers and make each walk through a door into a scene without any idea of who they are or what they’re walking into. it might be an operating theatre and a simple greeting, “thank god you’re here, doctor. the patient’s ready.” it may be a roman dungeon, a boardroom, a starship or a talk show. the only things they can depend on are their abilities to make everything up for the next five minutes and cover their tracks as they do it.
just because they are old doesn't make them mature.
a boeing lands on a very short and very narrow runway for display in an aviation museum.
another demotivational poster
where's aquaman???
mister benn snatched this a few years ago when he first got a tv card and just sent this in. thanks guy.
