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during class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions the students,one by one. "michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "just a minute, i have to go piss." the teacher replied "that would be rude and impolite!" "what about you john, how would you say it?" "i am sorry, but i really need to go to the bathroom, i'll be right back." the teacher responded, "that's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "and you peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "i would say: darling, may i please be excused for a moment, i have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom i hope you'll get to meet after supper." the teacher fainted...
adolf hitler had "shocking" table manners, gorged on cake in his bunker and suffered from flatulence, psychological profile documents show. [so basically he was a man?!] the dictator also bit his fingernails at meal times and nervously rubbed his index finger back and forth across his moustache, the newly discovered papers disclose. the top secret papers also state hitler believed goebbels' own propaganda about himself and genuinely thought he was the "greatest military genius of all time". the revelations show hitler had a "streak of passive masochism" in his relationships with women. the fuhrer's daily routine and "uncouth" behaviour were recorded in notes taken from a high-ranking nazi who spilled the beans to a british agent. the document, resembling a psychological profile of hitler, is dated may 1945 - three days after his death - and states on the front: "this summary must be destroyed within 48 hours". despite this, the papers were retained by the agent who is believed to have kept them at his home in the south-west of england. they have now surfaced for the first time in more than 60 years after a recent house clearance. they give a fascinating glimpse into hitler's everyday life in his bunker and mentions his alleged homosexuality and his fondness for rudolph hess. they tell of how his eating habits led to a "bay window", referring to his expanding waistline. the nazi who gave the insight was convinced hitler was mad and quoted a little girl speaking about the fuhrer: "mami, will the lunatic chew up our carpets too?" the unidentified pow, who might not have known about his leader's death, had dined with hitler about 30 times and kept his diary in the bunker. he stated: "hitler eats rapidly, mechanically, for him food is merely an indispensable means of subsistence. "...he does not smoke and it is strictly forbidden to smoke in his presence as he seems to be very susceptible to laryngitis." the source said conversation at the dinner table in the bunker had the effect on hitler that music did on others, and it stimulated his thoughts and relaxed him. the document continues: "he talks in a mellow baritone, without that raucous, unpleasant stridency of his public speeches. "at the table and in his speech he shows many facets of rather uncouth behaviour. "he abstractedly bites his fingernails, he runs his index finger back and forth under his nose, and his table manners are little short of shocking." the nazi being quizzed said that late at night hitler retired to his private rooms where he would drink "health tea" and listen to his phonograph. the document states that hitler..."ate prodigious amounts of cake (this cake eating was responsible for a slight digestive disorder and the addition of a bay window to his already not too fortunate figure.) "quite often he would retire into this privacy with some women whom he esteemed very much (during later years particularly with a miss braum whose relationship to hitler is quite unknown). "it is not believed that in these sessions with women hitler's attitude intensified to any more than a platonic relationship. "(the rumours about his homosexuality and other abnormal obsessions were rumours and nothing more. if there was any such streak in him, it was a touch of passive masochism in his relationship with women.)" with regards to hitler's relationship with rudolph hess, who bizarrely flew to scotland in 1941, he said the fuhrer never had a closer friend. he added: "hitler loved him like a brother. instinctively perhaps hitler felt that hess carried the germ of latent insanity and it just served to increase the fuhrer's affection and solitude for the man." but he added that after hess's flight from germany hitler bore the loss "stoically enough." talking about hitler's delusions, the source states that goebbels' techniques were so effective that "hitler himself became very susceptible to this propaganda. "he then actually started believing that he was a man of exceptional ability in the science of warfare." auctioneer richard westwood-brookes, who is selling the papers found during a house clearance, said: "this is a british army intelligence summary dated may 3rd 1945. "it is marked "secret, copy no 173" and also clearly marked "this summary must be destroyed within 48 hrs of receipt" - but this one was clearly not destroyed. "it is a highly important document which has clearly survived through extraordinary circumstances. "it was found during a routine house clearance and it is possible that the man whose house it was had been in a position to receive this report. "rather than destroy it he kept it. perhaps he then forgot about it or perhaps he chose not to show it to anyone because it was supposed to have been destroyed. "possibly the most important element of this document is the statement of a captured german lt colonel who kept the war diary in hitler's bunker. "he enjoyed a very close relationship with hitler having eaten at the same table with him at least 30 times. "the statement provides a vivid personal description of hitler in his last days and his behaviour in the bunker. "it mentions a digestive disorder which could be a reference to his flatulence, but denies the rumours that hitler was homosexual. "this remarkable document is potentially unique, given the requirement that it should have been destroyed within hours of receipt." the documents are being sold at ludlow racecourse on march 5 and are estimated to fetch up to £1,000. source
teaching manners a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. she heard the train stop & her son saying, "all of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! and all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." the horrified mother went in & told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. now i want you to go to your room & stay there for two hours. when you come out,you may play with your train, but i want you to use nice language." two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. we thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." she hears the little boy continue, "for those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." as the mother began to smile, the child added, "for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
just skip every thing thats nice and go for it...
a lady who trained her cat to use a fork, spoon, and chopsticks.
first single i ever bought!
the rude, clumsy puppet mr. bungle shows kids how to behave in the school cafeteria - the assumption being that kids actually want to behave during lunch. this film has a cult following since it appeared on a pee wee herman hbo special
pocket learns pip in the ways of british etiquette.
penn and teller aren't the most polite people on the planet, and they'll tell you why...well penn will anyways.
that guy in the coat sounds like a cow to me...he made a monument to himself out of stuffed cows, lol.
a clip from the movie mr. deeds.
absolute classic. vid quality's not great but i can't find a better version anywhere.
from black comedy "jam".
