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several-month-old pup, skippy, was a happy bichon frise. sure, he was a tad dainty and not tougher than his other brethren at the local kennel, but he had his pride.that is until 24 year old suzy homemaker suddenly got a hold to her new plaything. now, as if being a fluffy dog wasn’t bad enough, skippy is a perfumed dandy and the laughing-stock of his neighborhood.all across the world a pandemic has stricken our fine canine friends. they are being turned into metro-barbie dogs at unprecedented rates. typically i’m not one to decry a person’s freedom of expression, but the time does arise when we should stick up for those with less power and ability.an alarming trend has occurred as stores worldwide are carrying a new line of “puppypurses” along with the old standard dolce and gabbana handbags. if you go to a strip mall you may see one paris hilton, or her clone army, slinking about with pet kinkajous in these things.for a nominal price of $50-$70, stores are offering people a chance to buy these modern day laughing gallows for animals. what’s worse are these new-age blofelds are offered “convenient, light-weight” bags that have over 20 fabric styles to choose from.now i’ve bore witness to many great travesties in my day; the great california fires, cruise's antics, and watching a friend nearly drown in a deep pool of cow dung. all pale in comparison to exhibit a on the right. truly, what is the moral character of a person who decides it’s alright to stuff a puppy into a modern version of the 90’s hip-bag?take a good look at the picture. if you gaze deeply into the small dog’s eyes you can see the beady, distant stare that comes with unreasonable levels of humiliation and abuse. much as a man stuck at an ashlee simpson, kevin federline, and milli vanilli sing-a-thon, the puppy yearns to escape and be free.but alas, it can’t.the device the woman has affixed to the dog seems to be strangling it, leaving the defenseless animal to die a slow and painful death at the gallows that would make william wallace himself grimace and say “mercy.”it’s time we start to stick up for dogs. there must be a mandate for potential dog owners worldwide; stop ransacking a dog’s integrity and monkey-stomping it’s pride. no, dogs do not want to wear pink-n-fluffy house slippers and it’s doubtful they enjoy hair bows, tutus, and cotton candy perfumes. we must point out and ridicule people who insist on using these new doggy purses or dress their pooches in mr. roger’s style cardigans. dogs are neither a bag item nor a kindly yet somewhat eerie old-man on a pbs kids show. dogs are living beings. they have emotions and sense of self-awareness. stop the cruelty.
- under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. - it is ok for a man to cry only under the following circumstances: (a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) after wrecking your boss’ car. (c) one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “the crying game”. - any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. - unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. - if you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. - moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. however complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. - no man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. in fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. at that point, you must celebrate at a bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
- on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. - when stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing. - it is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a gorgeous woman and only when it’s free. - only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy. - unless you’re in prison, never fight unclothed. - friends don’t let friends wear speedos. ever. issue closed. - if a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
- women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. - a man in the company of an extremely attractive woman must remain sober enough to fight. - never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. that’s just greedy. - if you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer. - never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours. - phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: (a) yeah, baby, push it! (b) c’mon, give me one more! harder! (c) another set and we can hit the showers!
- it is acceptable for you to drive her car. it is not acceptable for her to drive yours. - thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. - never talk to a man in a necessary room unless you are on equal footing. for all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. - the woman who replies to the question “what do you want for christmas?” with “if you loved me, you’d know what i want!” gets an xbox. end of story. - there is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics. ever.
