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we see them everywhere we look; girls who look almost too perfect gracing the covers of magazines, newspaper ads, and movie posters. they are the objects of our dreams. many of us believe, and rightly so, that we don’t have a snowballs chance in hell with these women. however, everything is not as it seems. frankly, if the “davinci code” was true, it would not be even close to the magnitude of the cover-up we are about to expose here. let us have a look at a few pictures of some of the "goddesses" we worship everyday, one with makeup and one without.
we will start with cameron diaz.
notice how hot she is in the picture on the right. smokin’, the kind of girl any one of us might give a testicle for five minutes alone with. moving a few pixels to the left, however, and we notice an acne problem of epic proportions. imagine going to sleep with the girl on the right and waking up with the girl on the left. break out the hacksaws fella’s, arms might have to be severed in order to get out alive.
let’s move on to pamela anderson.
this one holds a special place in my heart. there was a time when i was enamored with this woman. notice how the sexy eyes just completely disappear in the second picture and are replaced with ugly goggles. the full lips are gone as well, taken over by a mouth that looks to have been painted on by a drunken van gogh. no wonder tommy lee punched her in the face. he probably mistook her for a burglar trying to steal his drum set.
now on to the ever popular britney spears.
can you say plain? even if you can, that wouldn’t explain the woman in the second picture. she looks like the girl you sleep with drunk and never call back. you know, the one you needed to get that restraining order against after you caught her hiding in your bushes? it is disturbing how a girl can go from a nine on the sexy scale to a nine on the beer scale, meaning you need nine beers to let her in your garage for a scrog session, in one picture. maybe that federline fellow is getting exactly what he deserves.
next, we have the always beautiful drew barrymore.
i guess she is not always so beautiful. she looks like the type of woman to be on jerry springer arguing with her mom over who gets to sleep with the 45 year old, drunk, trailer park dwelling, step dad. actually, scratch that, i have seen welfare moms with better looks. who would have known that the little girl from e.t. would grow up to be a mirror image of the beloved, misplaced alien himself?
moving on, we find rene zellwegar, the girl who made us all want to be jerry mcguire.
my god, she is really a wilder beast! i am serious, call up the tabloids, we have found bigfoot! tom cruise may have had her at hello, but it looks like anyone else would have needed a side of beef and well hidden bear trap to get anywhere near this one. the sad thing is, she is not totally without makeup. look around the eyes. i guess in the make-up business, going half ass is like not going at all.
oh sweet penelope cruz!
oh sweet jesus! they must be having a sale at crack-whores-r-us this week. was she awake one, maybe two months straight before this picture was taken? her hair looks like a cheap dollar store broom that the rats got too. if i ever have another kid, i am going to use this picture to scare them to sleep at night. “one more word and the penelope monster is going to come from underneath your bed and get you!” on second thought, maybe that is a little too harsh on the kid.
how many of us love charlize theron?
how many of us love acne? what, does she bath in french fry oil between movies? my god man, i spanked the monkey to her picture once. i feel dirty, used, and lied to. in her defense, however, she is still about three beers above the spears chick on the scale of sober to sleep with. that still isn’t saying too much though.
finally, we have christina ricci.
hers is probably the biggest difference in appearance. without makeup, she doesn’t even rank on the beer scale. dare i say it, but this one is dog ugly, literally. look closely. she looks like a bulldog who stole her way out of the pound when no one was looking. someone needs to call snoop and tell him to stop letting the k-9’s from his “what’s my name” video roam the streets unattended. this girl is the very definition of the phrase “oh, the humanity”.
lies. hollywood has us chasing a dream that does not exist. remember this article the next time you go hang out with the average looking women who plague your life. those girls don’t have professional make-up artists to attend to their every whim. maybe they aren’t so average looking comparatively. maybe they aren’t drop dead gorgeous, but at least they won’t scare your dog when he comes to your room late at night to get you up for a quick pee.
thanks to the good folks at beecy.net for the pictures.
