Spiked Humor Crave Online

Video:

tupac - letter to the president

tupac and outlawz - letter to the president

• 3.75/5
• 1478
• 1
• 4/25/2006
• by GIR420

Video:

superman's favorite letter

superman discusses the letter 's'.

• 3.1841/5
• 3299
• 17
• 9/3/2007
• by InsayneJayne

Video:

nine letters

there is a common english word that is nine letters long. each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an english word — from nine letters right down to a single letter. what is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?

the english language has at least one nine-letter word that remains a word as each of its letters is successively removed, right down to a single letter. that word is "startling":

startling:
remove the l, and the word becomes: starting
remove one t, and the word becomes: staring
remove the a, and the word becomes: string
remove the r, and the word becomes: sting
remove the other t, and the word becomes: sing
remove the g, and the word becomes: sin
remove the s, and the word becomes: in
remove the n, and the word becomes: i

• 2.6429/5
• 471
• 2
• 1/11/2007
• by 0-\-<

Video:

open letter to a cop

a man upset for being arrested reads an open letter to the cop that arrested him.

• 3.9691/5
• 9738
• 81
• 4/3/2007
• by HallEffected

Video:

floating letters illusion

dots placed on a paper form 3d letters when tilted.

• 3.8323/5
• 19906
• 38
• 4/28/2006
• by Pinsel0

Video:

mark "chopper" reid - letters

chopper answers back some letters from people seeking his advice.

• 4.0339/5
• 5267
• 16
• 9/1/2006
• by emortalz

Video:

steve's truck and van lettering

a poorly made sign on the side of a truck that says for a lettering service.

• 3.2583/5
• 5753
• 9
• 11/8/2005
• by CitizenSnips

Video:

jumbled letters

no matter what the order of the letters in the word, it is easily readable.

• 3.9638/5
• 7932
• 36
• 11/12/2005
• by n.ireland rules

Video:

stolen letters

a billboard thats expressing the owners grief over stolen letters.

• 3.7921/5
• 6761
• 12
• 2/1/2006
• by oO Tribal Oo

Video:

what santa does with your letters

santa has a creative use for all the letters he receives.

• 3.4167/5
• 24447
• 31
• 12/11/2005
• by DrZaius

Video:

the letter i

teacher: susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'i'. susie: "i is ..."

teacher: "no, no, no, don't say 'i is', you say 'i am'".

susie: "ok, i am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

• 3.1287/5
• 199
• 0
• 10/14/2006
• by timekeeper

Video:

best chain letter ever

hello, my name is lewis and i suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

do you honestly believe that bill gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

how stupid are we?

ooooh, looky here! if i scroll down this page and make a wish, i'll get laid by a model i just happen to run into the next day!"

what a bunch of bullshit.

maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by peter in 5 ad and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the mayflower.

fuck 'em.

if you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. i've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

i don't fucking care. show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. chances are, it's your own unpopularity.

the point being? if you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. if it's funny, send it on.

don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

now forward this to everyone you know. otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

have a nice day.

p.s. send me 15 bucks and then fuck off

• 4.009/5
• 6839
• 21
• 7/11/2005
• by Scienott

Video:

everlast - letters home from the garden of stone

letters home from the garden of stone - off of everlast`s 5th solo album, "love war and the ghost of whitey ford", will be released on september 23rd, 2008.

• 4.0975/5
• 4607
• 11
• 8/18/2008
• by Nny

Video:

wife's breakup letter

dear husband:

i'm writing you this letter to tell you that i'm leaving you for good. i've been a good woman to you for seven years and i have nothing to show for it. these last two weeks have been hell. your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. last week, you came home and didn't notice that i had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. you came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. you don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, i'm gone.

p.s. if you're trying to find me, don't. your brother and i are moving away to west virginia together! have a great life!

your ex-wife dear ex-wife

nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. it's true that you and i have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. i watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. too bad that doesn't work. i did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "you look just like a man!" my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because i stopped eating pork seven years ago.

i went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. i prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. after all of this, i still loved you and felt that we could work it out. so when i discovered that i had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, i quit my job and bought us two tickets to jamaica. but when i got home you were gone. everything happens for a reason i guess. i hope you have the filling life you always wanted. my lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. so take care.

p.s. i don't know if i ever told you this but carl, my brother...was born carla.

pss. i hope that's not a problem.

signed rich as hell and free!

• 3.7819/5
• 3703
• 14
• 7/9/2007
• by UnrulyAnarchist

Video:

mit letter

here is a great letter from mit to a prospective student and that student's response.

mr. john t. mongan
123 main street
smalltown, california 94123-4567

dear john:

you've got the grades. you've certainly got the psat scores. and now you've got a letter from mit. maybe you're surprised. most students would be.

but you're not most students. and that's exactly why i urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in america.

the level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for mit. it certainly got my attention!

engineering's not for you? no problem. it may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

what? of course, you don't want to be bored. who does? life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. mit students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

you're interested in athletics? great! mit has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

you think we're too expensive? don't be too sure. we've got surprises for you there, too.

why not send the enclosed information request to find out more about this unique institution? why not do it right now?

sincerely,

michael c. benhke
director of admissions

p.s. if you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

may 5, 1994

michael c. behnke/
mit director of admissions/
office of admissions, room 3-108/
cambridge ma 02139-4307

dear michael:

you've got the reputation. you've certainly got the pomposity. and now you've got a letter from john mongan. maybe you're surprised. most universities would be.

but you're not most universities. and that's exactly why i urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in america, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

the level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for john mongan's future education. it certainly got my attention!

don't want bio-chem students? no problem. it may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

what? of course you don't want egotistical jerks. who does? i *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but i'm also amusing. john mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

you're interested in athletes? great! john mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as orienteering.

you think i can pay for your school? don't be too sure. i've got surprises for you there, too.

why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by john mongan? why not do it right now?

sincerely,

john mongan

p.s. if you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "john mongan: what a guy!" just ask.

• 3.9507/5
• 643
• 7
• 4/7/2007
• by Warfare Artist of the XIII

Video:

john cleese's letter to america

to the citizens of the united states of america

in light of your failure to elect a competent president of the usa and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

her sovereign majesty, queen elizabeth ii, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except kansas, which she does not fancy), as from monday next.

your new prime minister, tony blair, will appoint a governor for america without the need for further elections. congress and the senate will be disbanded. a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

to aid in the transition to a british crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. you should look up "revocation" in the oxford english dictionary.

then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. you will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. the letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. you will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell pittsburgh as 'pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.there is no such thing as "us english." we will let microsoft know on your behalf. the microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. you will relearn your original national anthem, "god save the queen", but only after fully carrying out task #1 (see above).

7. july 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. november 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in england. it will be called "come-uppance day."

8. you will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. the fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. guns should only be handled by adults. if you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. all american cars are hereby banned. they are crap and this is for your own good. when we show you german cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. all intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. at the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the british sense of humour.

12. the former usa will adopt uk prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/us gallon. get used to it.

13. you will learn to make real chips. those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. the cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. henceforth, only proper british bitter will be referred to as "beer," and european brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "lager." american brands will be referred to as "near-frozen gnat's urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. hollywood will be required occasionally to cast english actors as good guys. hollywood will also be required to cast english actors to play english characters. watching andie macdowell attempt english dialogue in "four weddings and a funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. you will cease playing american "football." there is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to american "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. further, you will stop playing baseball. it is not reasonable to host an event called the "world series" for a game which is not played outside of america. since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. you must tell us who killed jfk. it's been driving us mad.

20. an internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from her majesty's government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

thank you for your co-operation.

john cleese

• 3.8539/5
• 590
• 2
• 11/2/2006
• by Tomas

Video:

letter to tide company

dear tide:

i'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! i've used it all through my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.

now that i am in my fifties, i find it even better! in fact, about a month ago, i spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

my inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy i was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. one thing led to another and somehow i ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

i tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. after a quick trip to the supermarket, i purchased a bottle of liquid tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

in fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the dna tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that i would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

what a relief! going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! i thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

well, gotta go. i have to write a letter to the hefty bag people.

• 3.3582/5
• 1905
• 6
• 9/10/2006
• by UnrulyAnarchist

Video:

thanks for the chain letters

to all my friends and family

thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy by sending me your chain letters over the past year.

because of your concern:

i no longer drink anything out of a can because i will get sick from the rat droppings.

i no longer use saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

i no longer go to movies because i could sit on a needle infected with aids.

i no longer check the coin return on pay phones because i could get pricked with a needle infected with aids.

i no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

i no longer accept packages from ups or fedex since they might be al quada in disguise.

i no longer get real "hugs" anymore because these pesky little bears keep giving me hugs via the net.

i no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which i will get a phone bill from hell with calls to uganda, singapore, and uzbekistan.

i no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

i no longer buy expensive cookies from nieman marcus since i now have their recipe.

i no longer have any savings because i gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000th time.

i no longer have any money but that will change once i receive the $15,000 that microsoft and aol are sending me since i participated in their special e-mail program. i want to thank all of you soooooooooo much for looking out for me! now if you don't send this e-mail to at least 12 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will crap on your head.

• 3.4281/5
• 339
• 1
• 10/13/2006
• by ratbstard

Video:

world's best resignation letter

dear mr. baker,

as an employee of an institution of higher education, i have few very basic expectations. chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. after your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, i can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything i do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. i was hired because i know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.

you will never understand computers. something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. you will also never understand why people hate you, but i am going to try and explain it to you, even though i am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an ip is. your shiny new imac has more personality than you ever will.

you wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. you have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. in a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. managers like you are a sad proof of the dilbert principle.

seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, i am forced to tender my resignation; however, i have a few parting thoughts:

1. when someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as i have consistently performed my duties and even more. the most you can say to hurt me is, "i prefer not to comment." to keep you honest, i will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because i know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. i have all the passwords to every account on the system and i know every password you have used for the last five years. if you decide to get cute, i will publish your "favorites," which i conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. i do believe that terms like "lolita" are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.

3. when you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's b-day," you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. suffice it to say, i have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. i assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (and, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? i hate correcting your mistakes.)

i expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. one word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. never f*ck with your systems administrator, mr. baker! they know what you do with all that free time!

sincerely

david blocker

network administrator

• 4.0645/5
• 1833
• 5
• 8/10/2007
• by jd8coke

Video:

viz letters & top tips

letters to viz comic

hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire cd collection with the exception of "there is nothing left to lose" by the foo fighters. i hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. chris scaife, jesmond

i was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. it finally caught me as i was weaving in and out of some sticks. stan herschel

'an apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim. well, i'm married to a gp and no matter how many apples i eat the bastard keeps coming home. m bunford

on the bbc website, i read with interest that some scientists in australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. they've obviously never been to the britannia chippy on the gloucester road. alan j. thackray, london

in limp bizkit's new single fred durst can be heard singing 'no one knows what it's like to be mistreated'. i feel my pet rabbit would disagree, having recently starved to death in a nest of its own excrement. zoot, aberdeen

top tips from viz:

new zealand tax inspectors. save time by scrapping the section on the ir3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response. m. barrymore, new zealand

rappers. avoid having to say 'know what i'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. j calabas

fool everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "mmm! that was a lovely apple." brian clark

nuns at st cuthbert's school in the early 1970s. demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'sisters of mercy' whilst beating the shit out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes. paul bradsha

americans. build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks. craig meredith

banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. nigel austin

blind people give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. james smyth, hitchin

motorists avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. a corten, caerleon

a post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers. bryn littleton, chester-le-street

busy executives. don't buy a dachshund. their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money. r bowen

• 3.8362/5
• 1289
• 2
• 2/9/2007
• by ShapeSphere

Video:

summer camp letter...

dear mom,

our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on tv and are worried. we are ok. only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for chad when it happened.

oh yes, please call chad's mother and tell her he is ok. he can't write because of the cast. i got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. it was neat. we never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. our scoutmaster walt got mad at chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? the wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. also some of our clothes. david is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

we will be home on saturday if scoutmaster walt gets the car fixed. it wasn't his fault about the wreck. the brakes worked ok when we left. scoutmaster walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. we think it's a neat car. he doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. it gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. he let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. scoutmaster walt is a neat guy. don't worry, he is a good driver. in fact, he is teaching terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. all we ever see up there are logging trucks.

this morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. scoutmaster walt wouldn't let me because i can't swim, and chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. it was great. you can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

scoutmaster walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. he didn't even get mad about losing the life jackets. he has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. guess what? we have all passed our first aid merit badges. when dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. wade and i threw up, but scoutmaster walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. he said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. i'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. he said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. by the way, what is a pedophile?

i have to go now. we are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. don't worry about anything. we are fine.

love,

cole

p.s. how long has it been since i had a tetanus shot?

• 3.6003/5
• 427
• 2
• 11/23/2005
• by NikNak

Video:

viz letters & top tips ii

more silly stuff from the british comic viz. some letters:

according to the bbc website, `cocaine users are getting younger`. i have always avoided illegal narcotics but now i`ve found out that they actually reverse the ageing process i`m going to give them a bash. (simon halliday)

i read with interest that the raf have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like lucy pinder and michelle marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. i wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture. (peter roeth)

it is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. i hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. (johnny pring)

a woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a us tornado told itv news that "god would make her better." presumably, that`s a different god from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. (m lovejoy)

i knitted a jumper for my husband this christmas, but i couldn`t shake off a nagging feeling that i`d gone wrong somewhere. i was sure it was the right size and his favourite colour. i realised my mistake when i came to give it him his gift on christmas day - i suddenly remembered that he died in 1973. (dolly churchill, london)

how can police go around arresting people based on dna evidence when we share 98% of our dna with chimps? it might be chimps going around committing all the crimes. (h montgomerie, luton)

i have just returned home after watching oliver stone`s new flick world trade centre, and i have to say i was a little disappointed by the storyline. two planes crashing into the twin towers... on the same day. it`s a bit far-fetched. (lee lyons)

my sides were aching after i went to see comedian jimmy carr recently. whilst walking out of the theatre half way through the show, i fell down the stairs and cracked two ribs. (eric todd, hull)

doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. last week i ate 5 mouldy plums and that night i shat the bed. what`s healthy about that? (mark j, barnsley)

yesterday i received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. eager to please the young lady i sent her my ironing. that should keep her quiet for a while. (warren)

this new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. i dutifully handed all my knives in and now i`ve got nothing to eat my dinner with. (richard karslake, oxfordshire)

i have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the congo and i can testify that at no point did i see anyone drinking um bongo. (neil palmer)

i was devastated when my doctor told me that i had just a week to live. then i remembered that i am a mayfly, and a week was equivalent to a human being living for 500 years. so i cheered up immeasurably. (k lampard, stoke)

i just bought a new car and when i insured it, the broker informed me i wasn`t covered for acts of god. imagine my anger when i looked out of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the lord scratching it up the side with a key. (christina martin)

in charlie and the chocolate factory, was nobody even a little bit suspicious that, after 20 years in bed, grandpa jo jumped to his feet and danced about like fred astaire when he got offered a free meal ticket? lazy fuck. (graeme patterson)

according to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. i wish mine fucking was. (j downing, stoke on trent)

tips:

monks. conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. it`s more comfortable and you`ll be able to watch tv and use the internet.

recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting google earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

drivers. save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. that way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.

feel a bit like god for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.

tramps. avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.

parents. when people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. the phrase `he/she will be five next birthday` involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.

bookshop owners. annoy christians by putting the bible in the `fiction` section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.

italian waiters. ensure a warm welcome for your customers by having a good 5-second stare at their wives` tits upon entry, and then another good stare after they have been seated.

convince your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.

boiled eggs cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

americans. wipe out the iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. with your `friendly fire` tactics, the war should be over in days.

murderers need to dispose of a body? simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via dhl. you will never see it again.

cinema goers. please have consideration for pirate dvd viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

breakfast lovers make the `toast always lands butter side down` myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.

diabolists for the full effect when photographing satan, make sure to switch off your camera`s red-eye reduction feature.

• 4.5575/5
• 1226
• 3
• 2/20/2008
• by ShapeSphere

Video:

crazy girl break-up letter

may 23, 2005

dear davey:

i have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving closure of our relationship. it is time for me to seek this. i have gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness. it is now time for me to close this chapter of my life.

i am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back. in my professional life i have done this, but my personal life struggles. for so long i/we were "sarah and davey", that it is hard to gain my own identity back. i am not worried about my career; i will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. i am just stunted by my personal life.

i am ready to release you from my life. i also on a weekly basis encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion about you. i do not want to deal with this anymore. i do have a proposal on how to handle this i am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. as to how to deal with it, i propose the following:

1. i've heard you have an apartment on the west side. you need to move out of the west side of indianapolis, this has always been my side of town, i own a house here, and do not rent like you. i grew up here, and always want to live here. i would prefer if you were to leave indianapolis all together, but i know this is more than i can ask. i do not want to risk running into you at any store.

2. we should officially divide our friends. particularly jim, jillian, amy, and ed. you should write them, thanking them for the opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no longer be in contact with them. i can provide you with addresses, if you need.

3. i will stay out of republican politics. i promise not to get involved with any republican politics, unless my father runs for judge, and than i reserve the right to work on his campaign.

4. i would like you to not have anything to do with all things cathedral. i feel i should have ownership of the school since my mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. you are more tied to wabash. this should be where you dedicate your alumni status. i will be involved in cathedral. when the time of reunions comes up, i am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending in "0" years and i will take the"5" years. so you can have 10 years and i will take 25 years.

5. i will avoid wabash contacts. the few guys from the house i still speak to on a rare basis, i will not. i will also discourage any male offspring i have from attending wabash.

i know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but i feel they are for the best. i do not ever really wish to see you again. i know that this will of course happen beyond my control, but i think we should do our best to avoid what we can.

it is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time to respond. this is my last request of you.

with fondness,

sarah

______________________________________

davey's response

may 31, 2005

dear sarah,

thanks for your letter. we broke up 3 years ago. knowing that and taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold, career focused, ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think i would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? but since i clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to review some comments and counterproposals i have crafted.

1. first, i will have to resist the burning urge to move right next door to you. after that deep desire subsides, i will vacate the westside and return to my roots: the snooty northside, as you used to call it. however, since i was born on the northside and i have northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the north. this includes: living on the northside, living on the northeastside, walking down north street, being a fan of the dallas stars (formerly the minnesota north stars), weari ng north face apparel or telling your children that santa lives at the north pole.

1 (b). i was born in indianapolis before you were so i should really get to determine who stays and who goes. in my benevolence i will let you exist here only within the st. michael's parish boundary (mlk dr. to high school rd. and 56th street to 10th st.) we will call this the sarahzone. this should be acceptable for you as your family lives across the street and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your place of employment and a fire station. exceptions can be made with my expressed written consent. you will be required to display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to travel beyond the sarahzone.

2. i haven't talked to your friends since we broke up. i think they got the message. however since we apparently are still in fourth grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess so that i can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't my friends anymore. do you agree? _______yes ________no ________maybe

2 (b). one of the few times you let us do something fun, we visited some of my family friends on geist. it was about eight years ago. we enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a pre-500 party. please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that ever happened. please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas, pool chlorine, air conditioning freon, dr. pepper and anything else you consumed while you were there. i don't have their address anymore, you can look it up.

3. please let me know when your father runs for anything. i'm going to run against him.

3 (b). thanks for staying out of republican politics. your heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. i am very involved in ice hockey. i play recreationally and coach a youth team in the winter. i would prefer it if you could stop being involved in all things related to ice and ice hockey . you can use those instant first aid coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on. also, my parents have been very involved with the indianapolis 500 festival for nearly 20 years. the month of may is really a big month for us. while i am not able to honor your request of moving out of indianapolis, i would ask that you just leave town during may. with 250,000 fans going to the race and 35,000 runners in the mini-marathon, i don't want to run the risk of bumping into you. i know your birthday is in may, but man, i just don't care.

4. christ, i don't have the energy for this one.

5. if any of my friends from wabash actually still talk to you, they are fucking fired as friends.

5 (b). i'm not going to tell my kids anything about you. but speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer.

in closing, i will never make decisions about my life or my family based on whether i might run into you at the store. i am now convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will spontaneously combust. i wish you the best of luck in finding a spouse. seriously. it won't be easy to find a person who is willing to spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a rational human being.

all my best,

davey

• 3.6908/5
• 5298
• 26
• 4/2/2006
• by tengotumadreenlacama

Video:

hotel letter

what a nice hotel to return missing items.

• 3.5637/5
• 5306
• 17
• 12/21/2005
• by CitizenSnips