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what's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? a bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. a good lawyer can make it last even longer.
countdown: pentagon's chief lawyer was warned that torture would produce unreliable information
old lawyers fight during a deposition.
have you heard they're using lawyers instead of rats in laboratories these days? there are three reasons for this: 1. lawyers reproduce faster. 2. the scientists don't get attached to the lawyers. 3. a lawyer will do things a rat wouldn't even consider.
a guy phones a law firm and says, "i want to speak to my lawyer." the receptionist says, "i'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." the next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "i want to speak to my lawyer." once again the receptionist replies, "i'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." the next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "i want to speak to my lawyer." "excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time i've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. why do you keep calling?" the guy replies, "because i love hearing it!"
what do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? a good start.
q: what do you call a lawyer with an i. q. of 50? a: your honor.
this is a picture of portia de rossi playing a lawyer in ally mcbeal.
a lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. the lawyer turns around. "what the hell do you think you`re doing?" "i`m a chiropractor, and i`m just keeping in practice while i`m waiting in line." "well, i`m a lawyer, but you don`t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
how many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? three. one to climb the ladder. one to shake it. and one to sue the ladder company. did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? they threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met. a priest and a lawyer died and went to heaven. they were met by saint peter at the gate, who told them he would be giving them some transportation to get around in. he gave the lawyer a big white limousine. the priest was given a bicycle. the priest said "wait a minute" you gave the lawyer a limousine and me a bicycle. why is that? st. peter replied, oh we get a lot of priests in heaven, but this is the first time a lawyer has made it. a man walks into a bar and loudly says to the bartender, "all lawyers are assholes". a man sitting at the other end of the bar says " i resent that remark". the first man says "why, are you a lawyer?" he says no, i'm an asshole!
a doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. after an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "i give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then i send them a bill." the doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. the next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. when he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
a man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. as he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. `that`s unfair!` he cried. `i have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.` `shut up,` barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. `who are you to question that woman`s punishment?`
one day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "nooo!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "my jaguar door was just ruined by some foolish driver!!!" he exclaimed. "your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "yes, i am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "ha! your lawyers are always so materialistic. all you care about is your possessions. i bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. the lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "my rolex!"
an investment counselor decided to go out on her own. she was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. she began to interview young lawyers. "as i`m sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." she leaned forward. "mr. peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "honest?" replied the job prospect. "let me tell you something about honest. why, i`m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and i paid back every penny the minute i tried my very first case." "impressive. and what sort of case was that?" the lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "he sued me for the money."
a lawyer trying to get tickets to a broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. when the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. the lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. the woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. he replied, "oh, they're all at the funeral."
a doctor vacationing on the riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. the lawyer replied, "remember that lousy real estate i bought? well, it caught fire, so here i am with the fire insurance proceeds. what are you doing here?" the doctor replied, "remember that lousy real estate i had in mississippi? well, the river overflowed, and here i am with the flood insurance proceeds." the lawyer looked puzzled. "gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
a lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy in houston, texas. he thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from new york and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from houston. he decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. deputy says,"license and registration, please." lawyer says, "what's the difference?" deputy says, "the difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. license and registration, please!" lawyer says, "if you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, i'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. if not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." deputy says, "sounds fair. exit your vehicle, sir." at this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
baghdad: the lawyer for a co-defendant of saddam hussein who was kidnapped just a day after the opening of the former iraqi dictator's trial over a massacre of shiites has been shot dead, officials said friday. the body of saadoun janabi, an attorney for awad hamad al-bandar al-sadun, one of saddam's seven co-defendants, was found dumped with bullet wounds to the head in the impoverished northern baghdad neighborhood of ur.
janabi had been seized from his office by two carloads of gunmen late thursday in an abduction that triggered calls from saddam's legal team for better protection for his iraqi lawyer, khalil al-dulaimi.
"the government condemns the killings," spokesman leith kubba said, adding the government had offered protection to members of the defense team. "we will not yield to blackmail or pressure." the murder, kubba said, "has all the fingerprints of kidnappings and killings by terrorist groups." janabi's client, a former chief judge of the revolutionary court and deputy head of saddam's office, sat next to the ousted leader in the dock when they went on trial wednesday for crimes against humanity over a 1982 murder of almost 150 shiites.
"if they can't protect lawyers, how are they going to defend their clients and how will witnesses dare to come before the tribunals," said badie izzat aref, a lawyer for former deputy prime minister tareq aziz who is also to face trial for crimes against humanity.
daily star
an elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. the doctor said, "we have three possible donors. the first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. the second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. and, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. which do you want?" "i'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. after a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart. "it was easy," explained the patient, "i wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of st peter. st peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to heaven. he looks at the doctor and asks, "there was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" the doctor answers, "the titanic" and he is sent through. he then looks at the accountant and say, "how many people died in that ship?" fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". st peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "name them!".
a man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. he turns to the people around him. "why are you all at this man's funeral?" a man turns towards him and says, "we're all clients." "and you all came to pay your respects? how touching." "no, we came to make sure he was dead."
this is a clip from the movie wishmaster 2. an inmate wishes that his lawyer would go funk himself (as fox would say). wishmaster has a tendency to takes things a bit too literally however.
tony wanted to purchase a beach side property but when he and his wife separate, he decides to pull out. unfortunately, the lawyer seller isn't too happy about this, so tony uses his head and solves it with a classier solution...
- he tells you that his last good case was a budweiser. - when the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. - he picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." - he tells you that he has never told a lie. - a big sign in his office says: "don`t ask me." - a prison guard is shaving your head.
