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an irishman walks into a bar in dublin, orders three pints of guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. when he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. the bartender says to him, "you know, a pint goes flat after i draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." the irishman replies, "well, you see, i have two brothers. one is in america, the other in australia, and i'm here in dublin. when we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." the bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. the irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. one day, he comes in and orders two pints. all the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. when he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "i don't want to intrude on your grief, but i wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." the irishman looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his eye and he laughs. oh, no," he says, "everyone is fine. it's me....i've quit drinking!"
an irishman, a mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.they were eating lunch and the irishman said, "corned beef and cabbage! if i get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, i'm going to jump off this building." the mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, burritos again! if i get burritos one more time i'm going to jump off, too." the blond opened his lunch and said, bologna again! if i get a bologna sandwich one more time, i'm jumping too." the next day, the irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. the mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. the blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.at the funeral, the irishman's wife was weeping. she said, "if i'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, i never would have given it to him again!" the mexican's wife also wept and said, "i could have given him tacos or enchiladas! i didn't realize he hated burritos so much." everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. the blonde's wife said,"don't look at me. he makes his own lunch."
an irish man is in a bar and is incredibly drunk. the barman rings the bell and calls last orders. the irishman drinks his last drink then starts to walk home. he doesn't get one step before falling over, but he really wants to get back home. so he says "come on you can you do this" and starts dragging himself down the road. it takes him hours to get down the road until he finally reaches his house. but to get to his door there are a set of steps " come on" he says " only these steps to go and i'm home". so he starts dragging him self up the stairs. one by one he climbs them in agony saying " come on. not far now" he finally gets up the stairs and makes it in. the next morning his wife walks in and says "have a good time last night?", "yea i got absolutely wasted" he replys. his wife then says "o, by the way jimmy from the bar called and you left your wheelchair there again"
an irishman an englishman and a scotsman were sitting in a bar in sydney. the view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional but" said the scotsman. "i still prefer the pubs back home."
"why in glasgow there's a little bar called mctavish's. now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
well." said the englishman "at my local, the red lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"ahhh that's nothin'" said the irishman "back home in dublin there's ryan's bar."
"now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. all on the house."
the englishman and scotsman immediately pour scorn on the irishman's claims. he swears every word is true. "well" said the englishman "did this actually happen to you?"
"not myself personally no" said the irishman, "but it did happen to my sister."
two irishmen are in a lifeboat with no hope of rescue. one of them finds a magic lamp. he rubs it, and out pops a genie, ready to grant them one wish. one jumps up and shouts, "i wish the ocean were made of guinness!" *poof* they're floating in a beer ocean, and the genie disappears. the other irishman looks at the first and says, "you idiot! now we have to pee in the boat!"
scostman, englishman and irishman are disscussing parenthood scotsman: i was cleaning out my 14 year old daughters room the other day and to my horror i found ciggarettes in there. englishman: a similar thing happened to me i was putting away some clothes im my 14 year old daughters room and found a bottle of vodka i could not believe it i was very shocked. irishman: my daughters 14 i couldnt believe it i was tidying her room and found condoms in her top drawer. i nearly fainted with shock i had no ideas she had a cock!
scotsman, englishman and irishman are discussing parenthood scotsman: i was cleaning out my 14 year old daughters room the other day and to my horror i found ciggarettes in there. englishman: a similar thing happened to me i was putting away some clothes i'm my 14 year old daughters room and found a bottle of vodka i could not believe it i was very shocked. irishman: my daughters 14 i couldn't believe it i was tidying her room and found condoms in her top drawer. i nearly fainted with shock i had no ideas she had a cock!
