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horror movie safety tips:
1. when it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2. never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. if your children speak to you in latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. it will save you a lot of grief in the long run. however, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. this also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. as a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to hell.
6. never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. this would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
7. if appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short-circuits; just get out.
8. do not take anything from the dead.
9. if you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. don't stop and look around.
10. don't fool with recombinant dna technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
11. if your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
12. stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: sunnydale, amityville, elm street, transylvania, and nilbog, anywhere in texas where chainsaws are sold, the bermuda triangle, or any small town in maine.
13. if your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. if you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. you are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
14. as a general rule for all movies, beware of strangers bearing tools. for example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased friends.
15. if you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. this also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
16. dress appropriately. when investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. and carry a flashlight, not a candle.
17. do not go looking for witches in the maryland countryside.
18. if you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, get the hell out!
19. if you find an unmarked video tape, dvd or computer game do not play it, bad things are bound to happen
20. if you are walking through the forest and find a large, squishy egg shaped object, do not touch it, it will almost certainly contain the larva stage of some hideous alien invader that will kill you, mutate your body or take control of your mind (or any combination of the three).
21. always listen to the geek, smart kid, dying scientist or old psycho hermit wizard. these people usually know everything to do with whatever is following you, trying to kill you or trying to open the gates of hell.
