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parody of "confessions part ii" by usher, off the new straight outta lynwood album
there once was a religious young woman who went to confession. upon entering the confessional, she said, 'forgive me, father, for i have sinned.' the priest said, 'confess your sins and be forgiven.' the young woman said, 'last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' the priest thought long and hard and then said, 'squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' the young woman asked, 'will this cleanse me of my sins?' the priest said, 'no, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
an elderly man walks into a confessional. the following conversation ensues: man: 'i am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. yesterday, i picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . we went to a motel, where i had sex with each of them three times.' priest: 'are you sorry for your sins?' man: 'what sins? ' priest: 'what kind of a catholic are you?' man: 'i'm jewish.' priest: 'why are you telling me all this?' man: 'i'm 92 years old ... i'm telling everybody.'
magnus lennart betnér is a swedish comedian who has been acting in swedish comedy shows. in 2005 he got an award as the best swedish comedian.
a married irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'i almost had an affair with another woman.' the priest said, 'what do you mean, almost?' the irishman said, 'well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then i stopped.' the priest said, 'rubbing together is the same as putting it in. you're not to see that woman again. for your penance, say five hail mary's and put $50 in the poor box ' the irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. he paused for a moment and then started to leave. the priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'i saw that.you didn't put any money in the poor box!' the irishman replied, 'yeah, but i rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
"sue" admitted on the tom leykis radio show that she murdered her boyfriend. this is the newscast i found about this.
a group has some serious stuff to tell one another.
drunk and lusty, this duier spills the beans.
in this interview richard kaklinski confesses to multiple unsolved murders. he than goes into detail about how he killed his victims and how he was able to get away with so many murders for so long.
husband decides to tell his seemingly faithful wife the truth.
matthew goes into a confessional box and says "bless me father for i have sinned, i have been with a loose woman." the priest says "is that you matthew?" "yes father, it is i." "who was the woman you were with?" "i cannot tell you for i do not wish to sully her reputation." the priest asks "was it brenda o`malley?" "no father." "was it fiona macdonald?" "no father." "was it ann brown?" "no father, i cannot tell you." the priest says "i admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. your penance will be five our fathers and four hail marys." matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy sean slides over and asks "what did you get?" matthew replies "i got five our fathers, four hail marys and three good leads."
dr. paul federoff is working with two pedophiles who share their stories and how they are working to control their urges. child molesters and other sex offenders can be rehabilitated, but getting money to do so is difficult because of public hysteria that they are evil and incurable, according to leading sex-crimes experts. "we have to move from the idea that nothing can be done to treat sex more.. offenders to say not only can they be treated, but they should be treated and we should expect good outcomes," said paul federoff, a forensic psychiatrist and co-director of the sexual behaviours clinic at the royal ottawa mental health centre.
"i sold my baby"
before they blew up they had waking the fallen. probably the best album they had in my opinon. this is their title song on the album that generated the most fanfare entitled unholy confessions. even if you don't like them, you have to respect their musical talent.
the first of a three part speech given to the veterans for peace national convention, seattle, wa in august 2006. john perkins, author of confessions of an economic hit man, discusses in this part the reasons and background to why we are at war in the middle east, from a hit man's perspective.
this video contains the "confession letter" written by chris bores (irate gamer). never heard of him? that's probably for the best. he is one of the most hated users on youtube. in the letter, bores admits to copying material and claims he will not commit the same crime again. however, shortly afterward, he released his review of teenage mutant ninja turtles - his worst act of plagiarism to date.
a drunken man staggers in to a catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. the bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. the priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. finally, the drunk replies, "no use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."
years ago, the chaplain of the football team at notre dame was a beloved old irish priest. at confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "i lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a notre dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. he took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "that's not all, father. i got mad and punched one of my opponents." "saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "there's more. as i got out of a pileup, i kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area." "oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "southern methodist." "ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
an old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. one sunday in the pulpit he said, "if i hear one more person confess to adultery, i'll quit!"
everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
this seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. about a week later, the new priest visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
the priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. when people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
the mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "i don't know what you're laughing about. your wife fell three times this week."
a retired spider-man talks about cancer, cigarettes, and cover-ups.
"do any of your investigations ever lead to a prosecution" regev is asked. mark regev the aussie guy who now speaks for the israeli government, is busted yet again as he has to defend the indefensible, all the time insisting their will be "another " investigation. this video includes the report concerning the accusations from the testimony of idf soldiers who know what they did was wrong and are now speaking out about their expereinces and human rights watch
a man goes to the confessional. "forgive me father, for i have sinned." "what is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back. "well," the man starts, "i used some horrible language this week and i feel absolutely terrible." "when did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "i was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "is that when you swore?" "no, father." said the man. "after that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "is that when you swore?" asked the priest again. "well, no," said the man, "you see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "is that when you swore?" asked the amazed priest. "no, not yet." the man replied. "as the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. and as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "did you swear then?" asked the now impatient priest. "no, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "you missed the putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.
he loves it.
a married irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "i almost had an affair with another woman." the priest said, "what do you mean, almost?" the irishman said, "well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then i stopped." the priest said, "rubbing together is the same as putting it in. you're not to see that woman again. for your penance, say five hail mary's and put $50 in the poor box." the irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. he paused for a moment and then started to leave. the priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "i saw that. you didn't put any money in the poor box!" the irishman replied, "yeah, but i rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
