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two women meet in the afterlife. following is the conversation they had.
1st woman: hi! my name is wanda.
2nd woman: hi! i'm sylvia. how'd you die?
1st woman: i froze to death.
2nd woman: how horrible!
1st woman: it wasn't so bad. after i quit shaking from the cold, i began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. what about you?
2nd woman: i died of a massive heart attack. i suspected that my husband was cheating, so i came home early to catch him in the act. but instead, i found him all by himself in the den watching tv.
1st woman: so, what happened?
2nd woman: i was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that i started running all over the house looking. i ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. then i went through every closet and checked under all the beds. i kept this up until i had looked everywhere, and finally i became so exhausted that i just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: too bad you didn't look in the freezer ... we'd both still be alive.
a couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. after many years, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact with his wife in a dream. "mary... mary..." he called. "is that you, fred?" she asked. "yes," he said. "i've come back like we agreed." "what's it like?" mary asked. "well, i get up in the morning. i have sex. i have breakfast. i run around the golf course. i have sex. i bathe in the sun, and then i have sex twice. i have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. after supper, golf course again, and sex again," he said. "oh fred, you surely must be in heaven!" mary exclaimed. "not exactly," fred said. "i'm a rabbit on a golf course in arizona."
two doctors and an hmo manager die and line up together at the pearly gates. one doctor steps forward and tells st. peter, "as a pediatric surgeon, i saved hundreds of children." st. peter lets him enter. the next doctor says, "as a psychiatrist, i helped thousands of people live better lives." st. peter tells him to go ahead. the last man says, "i was an hmo manager. i got countless families cost-effective health care." st. peter replies, "you may enter. but," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. after that, you need to go to the other place."
after dying in a car crash, three friends go to heaven for orientation. they are all asked the same question, "when you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" the first guy immediately responds, "i would like to hear them say that i was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." the second guy says, "i would like to hear that i was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." the last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "i guess i'd like to hear them say, ' look, he's moving!'"
